Walking downtown the other day it hit me that my feelings on growing our family are in stark contrast. I was enjoying a stroll down the two blocks that contains the mainstay of the downtown area realizing that it is lovely to be at a point in life where I get more solo time. I can go for walks every evening on the beach with my husband, the boys are easily entertained if I am trying to ravish a book that I am into and I can even just go to bed if the boys want to stay up. Life is pretty easy right now. Interestingly almost every time someone finds out that I have three school aged boys they exclaim "wow you must really be busy". I am not busy for the most part. They are pretty self sufficient and they like each other's company. I am not sure what more I could ask for.
Or maybe I am sure what I could ask for. I could ask for a bigger family. I could ask my husband and children to consider opening their hearts and home.
There are days, moments even, where I envision our future as a larger family. I feel like that is where life will lead us and it makes me happy, excited. Having a placement of a sibling group in our home takes up much of my thinking space. I wonder if it will be girls or boys, I wonder about the ages and how the boys will fair with the change. I want it to happen. I want to get the call and have it come soon.
There are days, moments even, where I think I don't want to go through this uncertainty. I feel like it is just easier to keep things the same. Enjoy our family as it is, take in all the moments with the boys and live like we are done growing our family. I wonder if I really want to give up my long walks, my quiet moments with boys who are at fabulous ages. I think about the major life changes an adoption or foster placement will bring about and whether we want that.
There are days, moments even, where I think I just want a bigger family and I want it now. I feel like it would be simpler if Chris went to get a vasectomy reversal. I would LOVE to be pregnant again and LOVE even more to give birth again. This time in our new home, near our fireplace, maybe even with the boys there if they choose. I would be thrilled at the idea of being able to use my slings again (if I can find them all and get them back from whoever borrowed them), and sharing those precious nursing moments with a new baby.
There are days, moments even, when my thoughts jump to each one of these options. I am ambivalent.
Does ambivalence mean we are not ready to adopt? No absolutely not. If we received a call today that was a match for us we would no doubt move forward with that journey in our life, embrace it and it would be the best it could be. Does ambivalence mean that we should just continue without changing the size of our family because I cherish my new alone time? No absolutely not. Alone time will come again in a few years. Does ambivalence mean that we should conceive more children? No absolutely not. As much as I would soar being pregnant and giving birth again, I think I will still want to consider adoption and it is a lot to ask of Chris to go through surgery again.
There are days, moments even, when my choice can be any one of these. I am ambivalent, but I want clarity.
I really admire what you guys are doing - I think it takes a really strong person (and family) to foster. I don't think I could handle the heartbreak of returning a child to their birth parent. Reading this blog has sealed the deal for me on that I think... http://fosterhood.tumblr.com/
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best in which ever path you take!!!
Thanks Joelene. I am not sure we want to handle that situation either. If you legally adopt you would never have to return them to the birth parent (the exception would be private adoption during the waiting process), if you are fostering then you would go into it knowing and ideally hoping that the birth parent 'gets better' for there to be a reunification. Can't imagine it is easy though to open yourself to the bond with a child and then they leave your life. It is a system that is full of loss for all parties.
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