A small issue of trust

Trust has to be earned.  This, I am re-learning.

When my boys were born we met their needs through touch, nutrition, nurturing, and providing a safe environment.  In fact we took that job pretty seriously and chose a parenting path in which trust was fundamental.  If our babies cried we picked them up, if they cued me I fed them.  They often didn't have to ask twice when they were wee.  Most times they didn't even have to ask as we were already meeting the needs in anticipation.    As they grew their trust in our care developed so that when we couldn't meet their needs immediately they believed in us, we were their rock and they knew that we would not let them down.  

Through the years I have taken those early steps for granted.   For me being mother means being 'the stuff', the go to girl, the name up in lights, star of the show.  The crowd chants my name every night wanting encores.    Even if I had made different early choices as a parent the biology alone would have created some level of connection and trust. I would have had to work at creating a distrust with the boys.

Most recently I am learning what it feels like to nurture a child who does not have that trust in me.   I have nurtured many children before her, my career path pre-parenthood was in early childhood development. The nature of the job required me to care for children 8+ hours a day 5 or more days a week.  Those children always had parents or caregivers to go home to, the people that they trusted.  I am sure I developed a trust with those children but it is not the same as being a mother.

I am becoming 'mother', interim or otherwise, to a child that has yet to develop that trust in me. I haven't earned it yet.  I can't pick her up and put her to breast when she is sad, hungry, hurt, tired.  We can't share our bed with her to let her know that we are there both day and night. Even if I could the trust that goes along with that wouldn't be there right away.  Being good at motherhood doesn't mean anything to her...........yet.  The skills I have gathered over almost the last decade and a half do not apply, or at the very least don't matter to her in terms of her trusting me now.  Those skills may get us there one day but I can't even say that will be soon. 

On top of  parenting a child who doesn't fully trust me I will be parenting the child who is grieving the loss of her first foster parents.  This is not a simple loss for her but a deep one.  My heart breaks for her loss and theirs.  Even though we went into this process 'knowing' it was one that was filled with loss and grieving it doesn't make it easier to bear. 

I am willing to be patient.  I will share what she will accept when she is ready and believe that the patience will pay off in trust.  The trust will be earned just as it was with my boys, we will just have to follow a different path. 

Revision requested!

A couple months back I wrote about spanking.   My mother has read the blog and would like the clarification made that I was only spanked once in my life.    I would like to add that she does not support spanking (particularly of her grandchildren).  I can understand her desire for that information to be correct. It was information about her parenting and her life so I have the responsibility to recount the story properly.  I do only remember one spanking.  

In effect it also makes my point.  It could be said that I wasn't "spanked" but was only spanked once and I turned out FANTASTIC!  I am a law abiding, functioning member of this society. I volunteer, I donate to charity (well I donate a portion of my husband's income), I say please and thank you, I get up from my seat to give it to others, I give that smile to the parent who has the tempering toddler when they just need someone to understand, I bag my own groceries, I have worked with children and the elderly.......okay it could certainly get old.  Point being I turned out just fine without being spanked.

Thank you mom for being the parent you were and still are.

Life is changing

"one minute I am playing a video game and the next I am sitting on the couch and my life has completely changed".  Okay not my words but ones that ring so very true to our lives.  Little "O" said this comment moments after learning that we were the chosen foster family for a wee girl.

Our lives have been just a tiny bit overwhelmed the past couple of months.  It started with a phone call at the end of March and has progressed to transitioning her into our home.   She will become a part of our lives full time mid June.   What beautiful child she is.  Of course we think she is cute but it is more than that.  She is a lovely little person and we adore spending time with her. 

And that is all you get.........   I have a personal blog on the go documenting our feelings and experiences through this process but given the need for extreme privacy in the lives of the people involved I don't get to share publicly. 

Dollhouse

Chris took the two boys to music lessons today leaving Seamus and I home for a couple of hours.  During their absence we found an activity that we thought we would try.  Honestly I don't know where it all started but when he googled "star wars crafts" we found a bunch of different homemade plush toys and ideas sprang from there.  Seamus was so excited and "filled with ideas" (his words) that he was almost buzzing.  The moment the boys walked in the door they were directed to his project of the day.  Eoin chose not to participate....but he did 'write' some of his story on the laptop and draw up some new characters.

Here is a pictorial journal of our late afternoon activities:

Collecting the supplies

The free form pattern we made up

Tracing the pattern in his new 'birthday' cap

Cutting out the pattern

My little tailor

Liam working on the eyes

Seamus finishes sew the outline together

Eoin working on his epic novel

Seamus just took charge and did it all on his own 

Jenn's, Seamus', Liam's

A close up of the pinched elf ear that Seamus figured out how to do.  

Right way to hit?

Spanking

   

That word alone raises the hackles of parents everywhere.  Be it through their strong feelings toward their right to discipline their child as they see necessary or because they feel spanking removes the right of the child to be protected both mind and body.  Often it induces the comment "I was hit and I turned out okay".   

Well, I was spanked and I turned out okay.  But my children will not know the hand of their parent.  From neither Chris nor I.  I didn't turn out okay because I was spanked. I turned out okay inspite the fact that I was spanked.  

On facebook today a highschool acquaintance posted "spanking is NOT abuse if it is done RIGHT".  I don't usually comment but the child advocate in me couldn't hold back.   Firstly don't put things on facebook and expect people not to comment. If you put it out there publicly there are people who will not agree with you.  Second why put out such a strong long debated statement if not for reactions?

Interestingly, at least for me, only moments before I had been thinking on what topic I may want to blog about and spanking was on my list.  

I am firmly of the belief that no child should be hit....ever.  Not even when they run out in the road and the caregiver needs them to know how frightened they are.....a situation suggested by another facebooker where they felt spanking may be warranted.  The same person suggested that if we don't hit children now then they will learn how it feels to be hit in jail......however I am pretty sure many inmates were hit as children like the majority of us.  Back to the running into the street situation: How does hitting a child when they have almost been hit by a car come close to sending the message to the child that their life mean so much to you?  Your body language, your fear, the look in your eyes, the depth of the hug you give them afterward will tell them enough that it was dangerous. They will feel your terror and know. Hitting them will tell them that you are not a safe place to come to. I have had a toddler run out into the road, very narrowly miss being hit by the car, I did not hit him.  He felt the impact though, of my worry, of my love, of my concern.  I was sure to make certain to watch him more carefully while he learned about our fast moving world.  

Sadly corporal punishment is a part of our criminal code. It is allowable by law to spank a child and the fact that it is part of our criminal code is used to defend it. Spanking law Section s43 of the Criminal Code . You cannot stop there though. If you read further into the law there are parameters.  Did you know that you cannot hit a child under two or over 12?  That is must be done as "by way of correction" and that the use of force must be sober and reasoned.  How many parents spank when they are feeling restrained and sober.  How often does it happen after you have let go of the anger at the recent dissent you have experienced from the child? The child must also have the capacity to understand and benefit from the correction.  Thus you may not under the criminal code smack 1 year on the hand for touching the light socket.

Coming from the information on spanking from our Parliament,  "the force must be transitory and trifling, must not harm or degrade the child, and must not be based on the gravity of the wrongdoing."  How does hitting ever not degrade a child?  To the comment from the facebooker, I propose this statement not far from her own "hitting a woman is not abuse, if it is done right".  Appalling right?  So why do we think it is okay when we hit a child 'right'?  

When this law was put to question in 2004 the government unfortunately chose not to change it, but it is curious to note that they felt it necessary to remove the wording that allowed rights of a master to use force on an apprentice to correct them.  Why, probably because it would be abusive and infringe on the rights of the person, the grown person specifically.

Parenting without hitting can actually be harder.  It is not always easy to employ the methods that require thinking rather than action.  It can become second nature and it gets easier as you grow in your parenting.  Not hitting does not equal no guidance.  It probably takes more guidance to parent without hitting.  

Want to know about how to parent without hitting?  here are some great resources

Internet and book resources

Alfie Kohn Unconditional Parenting

Without Spanking or Spoiling

Kids, Parents and Power Struggles

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Natural Child Project

Dr Sears

Custom War Hammer 40K figure: guest post Liam

WAR HAMMER 40K OUT OF APOXIE AND MEGA BLOCKS

I got some money for my birthday.  I waited until we went to Kitchener to an art shop, Curry's Art Store if you want specifics.  I bought some Apoxie Sculpt and then after we got home I waited a bit, a day or so, then we went to Walmart and I bought a Dragons Universe figure. It also comes with a flying bike thingy. I used the bike to play around with because my other  one got broken :( .

Here is what I did with all that stuff:

Apoxie Sculpt is a two part modeling compound.  It is mixed 50/50.

After you get that figure and the Apoxie you start to sculpt around the figure. You can use disposable gloves if you want but the Apoxie doesn't do any thing, it just makes your hands waxy.  Then you sculpt the helmet around the head that is on the figure, and then you sculpt the pauldrons (pauldrons are basically shoulder pads).  Oh and make some weapons.   Then you wait approximately 24 hours, and then you paint it.  It will dry in 3 or 4 minutes. And then he is ready to fight the demons of hell. :3

the finished figure

side view

yet another side view

back view

work in progress

my first quiche:guest post by Seamus

The other day while grocery shopping I saw a box of quiche.  I have always wanted to try a quiche, so I asked my mother if she knew how to make one.  She didn't. I looked it up (see Link)mini quiche. I modified the recipe a bit by using frozen tart shells instead of bread.  They turned out very well.  This is the first recipe that I have made completely alone from beginning to end.  My brother Eoin enjoyed it, and my father too but my brother Liam and my mother wouldn't try them.  They hate eggs.  :p