Should prospective adoptive parents jump through hoops?

A couple conceives a baby.  There may or may not have been prior conversations or a conscious decision to start or expand a family.   It is even possible that each partner has attended a parenting course at some point during their secondary school years having taken care of an egg baby with a smiley face on it.

Decisions have to be made and plans put in place once a couple decides to attempt to conceive or find themselves in a position where a pregnancy has already occurred.  The very first decision after conception is determine whether to carry forward with the pregnancy and parent the child, which for some is simple and for others not so simple and will include difficult and serious considerations. With the choice though to embrace the parenting journey many couples or individuals begin the rights of passage that come along with having a baby.  Preparations can revolve around picking names, planning birth choices,shopping for all the adorable baby clothes, taking birthing classes and preparing the baby's room.  It can be a wonderful process filled with hope and promise.

What does not usually occur is filling out forms, applications, police checks, mandatory training courses, personal interviews, scoring methods and evaluations.  Expectant parents usually do not have to explain why they want to parent a child and how they will care for the child.  Expectant parents do not normally need to share with someone what their own relationship is like, how they met, who they most trusted as a child and whether they were ever traumatized themselves through loss or abuse.  There is probably no one who is asking the couple for a personal financial portfolio or the amount of insurance they have on their life, home,car. 

This is not the usual occurrence when choosing to expand or create a family. It is part of the process included in becoming an adoptive or foster parent .  And although I truly believe becoming a parent should not be regulated there are some parts of the adoption process that could be helpful preparation for becoming a parent through whatever means.

Individuals and couples looking to adopt or foster often feel like they have to "jump through hoops" to become a parent.   It can be hard to open your life and family up to be examined so closely.  It can certainly be hard to be patient as you hand the decision over to an outside source to determine whether you would be suitable.  Is all of it necessary when there are people who want to love a child and so many children who need to be loved?

Absolutely!  The public agencies working toward child safety and permanency in those children's lives are not looking for "perfect parents".  If they were they would not find a single one out there.  The role of Resource Workers within Children's Services programs are different than that of the Child Protection Workers.  In looking at people who show interest in fostering and adoption they are not attempting to find things wrong with those people but rather ensure they have the personalities and skills necessary to parent children who have most likely faced trauma and loss.  They need to ensure to the best of their ability that they are placing children in safe homes.

There are too many school aged children in need of permanent homes.  For families who are interested in embracing these children, accepting the reality that it may take years to get a placement or that it may never even happen is not easy.  It would stand to reason that the majority if not all families who express an interest in adopting feel they are suitable.  These families know there is a need to be filled and want to fill it.   Putting your life under a telescope to only be told that you are not acceptable candidates or that you are not a match for a particular child is beyond difficult. 

Chris and I have not yet been told we are unsuitable and we have not been told that we will be accepted as an adopt ready family either.  We are pretty confident in our own family environment and our ability to parent, however finishing up our homestudy process with our last interview with a Resource Worker tomorrow brings to forth a number of emotions. It is not unlike praying not to be picked last for a game of school yard dodge ball.  Who wants to feel rejected?  And no matter how much I stand behind the importance of the process and screening that we are being asked to go through it doesn't mean that I will feel good to be told that we don't measure up.  It doesn't matter that friends and family believe we are ideal. It doesn't matter if we feel we have a lot to offer.  We have no control over the process and could easily be turned away when the report comes back in.

Cub's night out

Trusting our children to the care of others is not always easy.  The boys have been away from me many times. Separation is not the issue but trust that they will remain unharmed.  Usually they are in the care of family or friends when it will be overnight or longer which is easy.   Last year was a big transition year for us when Seamus had his first sleepover.   I remember it being a bit emotional for me as I was trusting him overnight with other adults who we were not close to and it meant that my baby was growing into a new stage in his life toward being more independant. 

Last night Liam and Eoin had their first overnight sleep over with their cub pack.  The emotions I felt were much more intense than I had expected.  I am not sure if it was different from when Seamus slept out for the first time because they are a bit younger or because they would be with a number of people I didn't know so well, kids and adults alike.  Of course there is the stigma that can follow the scout program and some of the abuses that have occured over the years, which makes trust in that situation a little more difficult.  Having them be with other kids that I didn't know was probably even harder.  

It was a challenging night for me.  Liam had originally not wanted to attend.  Eoin wanted to but was wavered some through the week back and forth.  In the end Eoin decided it was something he didn't want to miss out on and that gave Liam the extra courage to step up and join him. It is one of the peer pressures, in ,this case younger sibling pressures, that can have positive effects.  It is difficult no doubt to see a younger sibling be so willing to spread his wings. 

 On friday night it was hard to sit back and watch them pack all their own gear and struggle with rolling sleep pads and sleeping bags but I knew that I wouldn't be there to help them set up or re pack at the end of the day.  They managed with some practice and in the end were proud of the gear they picked up to pack in the car early Saturday morning.

I was taken aback by the strength of my feelings when we dropped them off and I walked out the door.  I knew I would be worried a bit but I didn't expect the tears that came and continued off and on throughout the day.  I can't even tell what it was that upset me so.  We had the talk with each of them about abuse, and being safe.  If I had been fearful for their safety they would not be attending the program let alone an overnight camp.  Of course you never ever know for certain but it was not my fear for their safety that sparked my intense emotions. 

I have been away from them numerous times for days at time and even one time for almost 2 weeks across the Pacific Ocean without any tears or anxieties.  This was only 28 hours and they could call to come home whenever they wanted.  So what was the difference?   Well they want to be in cubs and I don't know if I feel the same way.  It is not the program itself but rather the approach of their pack Leader and the behaviours of some of the kids.   Their pack Leader is a loud man who gives too much attention to the outrageously rude pack members and doesn't seem to enjoy interacting with children at all.  The boys come home every week though looking forward to the next and don't even seem phased by the Leader's loud ways because they are not the target.  They want to go so I bring them each week.  I have to trust that they are gaining something from it. 

Maybe that is part of the reason that I was so emotional yesterday while they were gone.  I still don't really know where it all came from. I assumed they would call if they needed to come home. I expected it actually but hoped it wouldn't happen. I knew that it was a big turning point for both of them and that they would be proud of themselves for participating.  It was a turning point for me as well.

No call came through the night. I picked them up at noon today and was welcomed with smiling faces.  They had a wonderful time and came away with a sense of accomplishment.  I am breathing now and we are all the better for it. I have to thank my dear husband, my dear mother and my dear friend Stephanie who all listened to me without telling me that the boys would be okay or that it was time to let them go.  They all understood that it was okay that I was feeling whatever it was that I was feeling.  THANK YOU GUYS!

Normal just not typical

In my last post I touched on my belief that homeschooled children are different.  That statement standing alone can have a negative vibes.  Does it mean that they are eccentric, introverted, loners, or maybe odd ducks?  Possibly some are.  It should be obvious that the statement is not claiming that all homeschooled children are the same and that they are as a group completely different than schooled children.   Homeschooled children, in my experience, tend to be different in many ways from children who are schooled.   For each child those differences will vary depending on the family culture, their community, the level of their involvement in mainstream activities and so many other variables.  But they are different... and of course the same in many ways as well.

Children in home learning families seem to have more freedom to be themselves for a longer period of childhood.  They tend to be more authentic and express themselves in such a way.  No doubt the more they are exposed to mainstream culture or activities that group same aged groups of children together the more they can feel the outside pressures to conform to what may be socially acceptable for their age.  Please note that what may be deemed socially acceptable by either their peers or adults may not equal age appropriate or developmentally appropriate.  They are not one in the same.  

Children who live in home learning environments do not often have to live by the rules enforced within a school, whether the rules are institutionally imposed or socially peer imposed.  It may not be odd to see an 8 year old engaged in an activity or conversation with a 12 year old.  There is no one who has told the pre-teen that talking to an 8 year old is beneath him.  There are clear distinctions in school situations between grade levels.   Age is a coveted status.  

One of the boys' schooled friends had befriended our youngest first when we moved here.  He did not know Eoin's age at the time since they are similar sizes, our youngest is actually bigger than this child who is 3 years older.  Now that he knows Eoin's age he is reluctant to admit that he played with Eoin before becoming Seamus' friend.  Other friends have not known how to include Liam and Eoin in their interactions with Seamus.  In time they have come to realize that they Liam and Eoin have a lot in common with them as well and are not just Seamus' "little brothers".  It has left a bit of a mark on the younger two even still.   They learned quickly that Seamus was preferred and despite the developing interest in their own friendships from "Seamus' friends" they still feel like they are tag alongs who are second rate to their big brother. 

It is easier to be yourself when there is less influence on whether your interests fall in line with the majority.  Seamus today put on a costume.  In a full blown cos-play costume from head to toe he was Link from the Zelda video game series.  It didn't even dawn on him that boys in grade 6 might frown upon the idea of dressing up.    Could this be viewed as eccentric?  Maybe.  He is aware enough to know that costume play is not a public event outside of costume parties and Halloween.  You know what, maybe it did dawn on him that boys in Grade 6 would frown on his choice of activity but chose to be true to himself and do what he wanted. 

Liam draws and sculpts things out of clay (the remoldable kind in many colours) probably 40% of his waking hours. That is most certainly different than the majority of 10 year olds and Eoin has no problem picking the girl characters when they play video games.  Both boys would stand a considerable chance of being rebuked by their peers for their choices.   They will have time enough when the world at large disapproves of what they do.  They get enough social cues in the experiences they have now that the added daily pressure to go with the crowd would just be unnecessary.

My boys are different and they are the same.  They are normal just not typical.  But I am learning that it is okay not to be typical when typical means 10 year old boys can feel free to curse at a cub Leader and his fellow cubs with little to no turning of heads.  It is fine with me that they are not typical because they are not watching Family Guy well before they mentally prepared for the content.  It is absolutely fine with me that they are not typical because they like hanging out together despite their age differences and fine with me that it is not typical for an 11 year old to be more interested in old fashioned pretend play than looking up the new video of a half naked woman his classmates told him about. 

Building networks

If you build it they will come...right?  It worked with the LLL Group this past year that I started up and now I am hoping the same will hold true to the home learning network that I am putting out there.  Today the kids and I posted flyers about a new home learning group we are hoping to start up  in the area. When we got home we already had a phone call from a family we have never met.  Good start! 

I am working on the idea hope that there are homeschooling families of all styles in this area and they just have not had the right push to start networking.  We are hoping to simply connect home learning families on a social level.  Nothing deep, no plans for a co-op or planning, just good old fashioned chats and social activities.  

Homeschooled children are different.  They do have some different needs.  They are normal but maybe not typical when compared to some of their schooled peers.  This is not a bad different and some would argue that it can be or is a better different.  Getting together with families who are living similar lives is good to keep up the morale.  It feels good to get together with other families who know what it means to spend large amounts of time together as a family.  It can be a relief to be around others without the need to explain how the children learn without a classroom, if they will ever go to school or how they will get into university. 

So I am building and praying they will come!

The ever changing environment

Change is what I do well or at least often.  When I was young we moved a lot.  Almost every two years in fact.  We weren't on the run, my dad worked in construction for a while and we followed where the jobs were.   Even once he settled into working in Windsor we moved a number of times to upgrade in housing or to deal with the financial strain of when my dad became seriously ill.

We have not moved often in our marriage.  We lived in the home we built for 9 years and then to the home we have now when Chris was required to relocate for work.   I am used to change though so my coping method is to change my environment.  It could mean anything from moving furniture around to full room overhauls. 

The lastest project of change has been working on renovating the boys room.  Their room was the last of the rooms in our house to be re-floored with maple hardwood.  They were not to happy about it knowing that they would need to be a bit more careful than with their temporary painted plywood floor.  I don't think they appreciate change as much as I do.   Along with the floor it was time to give them their own bed spaces.  They have slept together from the time they left our bed.  They never slept in a crib so having a warm body to snuggle with is what they know.  There are times that one (never Liam) may want some space and will go off to sleep alone but usually by morning we will find them all entangled in an mass of body parts.  It is touching to see that even days that seem like all they do is bump horns it ends in collective cuddle and all is forgotten at least for a little while.

Three growing boys can't fit in a double bed for long. We also need to provide a bed for each child in our home as part of the process of being approved as an adopt ready family.  Although the homestudy was the catalist in making the change it was due to come soon.  The question was how do we fit three beds and more likely at least 4 in one room?  They have a large enough bedroom but is not a regular shape and has sloping roof lines. It is also important to make sure that the room seems as spacious as possible with enough storage for 3 or more growing children to share into their teen years  Bunk beds seemed the most logical but I can't say that I was thrilled about the idea. Bunk beds can often seem bulky and making the bed in the morning on the top bunk is such a difficult task.  

The space lent itself well to an L-shaped bunk configuration.  The challenge was how to make sure it was well supported without the added bulk of wooden support legs.  I did a lot of research into different custom made bunk options that would suit the minimal and modern look that I was going for.  The final decision was to create platform beds with the top bunks being supported by the wall studs when possible and from the ceiling by steel cable.  The platform style will hopefully reduce the difficulty of making  up the upper bunks that are usually tight against the frame and the lack of wooden vertical supports will give the sense of flow and space through the beds.

The project is still in the "why did we do this?" stage when we are far from completion with only the closet door having been doubled in size and the floor completed.  I am excited to move forward with the beds. Here are some before pictures of the work in progress.

Snowflakes, snowflakes and more snowflakes

We made snowflakes at the beginning of the winter.  I now have snowflakes strung from one end of my house to the other upstairs and down.  Usually when I try to offer up a craft to the boys it is shunned or loses its momentum quickly.  The snowflakes took hold though.  Eoin in particular enjoyed crafting flakes out of paper.  When we first started cutting away they were looking like the typical snowflakes that don the halls of every school this time of year.  Circlular or square-ish in shape for most part with cut outs to give it the feel of a snowflake.  Frustrated I began looking at it more closely to figure out how to cut out more defined points.  I had read up on folding to acheive 6 point snowflakes but even still they came out round.   After playing around a bit I finally figure it out with fun results. 
Here is the link to instructables.com, one of the sites I looked up to try to acheive.
Instructables.com 6 point Snowflake

These are some of our results.

Unexpected

When we decided that we would take the step toward learning more about adoption this past summer I began to do more in depth reading about the experiences of others on the Internet.  The process did not seem encouraging from the very beginning.   It seemed as though many families were waiting over a year just to hear back from their local Children's Aid Society (CAS) and then another year or more before being invited to the PRIDE training and then even more waiting for their home study to be completed and the report submitted in order to be considered "adopt ready".   This is all before any possible placement of a child in their home. 

Our experiences thus far have not followed this path.  I made the initial call to inquire further about CAS adoption in late August and was told that I would be sent an application along with an invitation to attend PRIDE training in September.  After a couple of weeks without the package arriving I did some follow up and soon after the application and invitation to training came in the mail.  We began training at the end of September.  The 3 hour training sessions took place one night a week for 9 weeks.  Some weeks were more informative than others but each time we took something new away to think about. 

During those weeks we were able to submit our application and forms to have our background checks and police checks done.  In December we able to secure a doctors appointment to complete our medicals and our police checks came back a few weeks ago and we were assigned a resource worker.

I am excited to move on to this step.  I had hoped that we would gain more clarity through the PRIDE training.  Although it was informative and necessary it didn't move us much toward our decision.   The home study is supposed to delve deeper into determining a family's preparedness for handling the changes that come along with adoption.  I anticipate with the schedule it has been following so far that we will have completed the home study before spring comes . I will not be surprised though if the process begins to slow down considerably after having read how many families have dealt with long wait times throughout their process.

Even if we are deemed adopt ready and choose to pursue adoption, placement is one aspect of the process that follows no schedule. It could be 2 weeks before we are approached about a possible placement or it could be 4 years or possibly never.

The big questions we face include: "do we want to move forward to grow our family through adoption?" and "can we work as a foster family?".  Originally we had only wanted to pursue adoption.  We have been recently wondering about fostering and whether we could accommodate the school schedule of a foster child into our lives.   The early morning buses and afternoon arrivals, the homework and social issues that come from the school environment are all things we have to think long and hard about.  For most families it is just common place to accept the adjustments to family life that institutionally schooling brings but it really would be a change for our family. 

We had our first homestudy interview just this week and will be continuing with more interviews in a couple of weeks.   It was painless.  A nice introduction to the homestudy process and a gentle beginning to what may prove to be quite invasive in to our personal lives.  The resource worker was friendly and approachable. I look forward to meeting with her soon to work through this process. 

What took so long?

I was reading my last post which was too long ago!  Was I that negative?  No not really, but I really did want nothing to do with resolutions.  It has actually been a great new year so far.   I feel like I am in a smooth parenting groove and the mood around the house has been great.  I have been itching to write on the blog for a while.  Not even sure why it hasn't happened yet....oh wait Chris and I got caught up in watching Dexter...all 6 seasons. That took up a lot of time and a lot of late nights.

My days have been filled with organizing the house for the homestudy and working on our new weekly schedule.   The boys and I have been doing what we call 'focus time' or working on basic academic skills on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.  The amount each of them spends is dependant on age.  Eoin generally works for an hour, Liam with 15 mintues more and Seamus works for about 1 1/2 hours.  We work together on worksheets, activities or computer programs.  It has been working relatively smoothly.  When Liam for example needs one on one with a worksheet Eoin will set to work on a french language program.  

In thinking about it we have had a number of projects on the go that have been time consuming.  This year we moved the ice rink to a more open area of our property and enlarged it.  What a challenging endeavour that has been!!!  We started out at a disadvantage with a liner that had a number of holes and the ground was very slopped.  Make sure the liner is fee of leaks!   With a lot of trial and error and too many hours put in by my father and Chris and I it finally was skate ready last week.  It was worth all the work though to watch the boys skate at night lit only by the spotlights on the garage.   Those are things we all remember most in life; the time we spend connecting with those important to us!  They won't remember the days we spend working on worksheets near as clearly as playing hockey in the backyard together.