Last night Liam and Eoin had their first overnight sleep over with their cub pack. The emotions I felt were much more intense than I had expected. I am not sure if it was different from when Seamus slept out for the first time because they are a bit younger or because they would be with a number of people I didn't know so well, kids and adults alike. Of course there is the stigma that can follow the scout program and some of the abuses that have occured over the years, which makes trust in that situation a little more difficult. Having them be with other kids that I didn't know was probably even harder.
It was a challenging night for me. Liam had originally not wanted to attend. Eoin wanted to but was wavered some through the week back and forth. In the end Eoin decided it was something he didn't want to miss out on and that gave Liam the extra courage to step up and join him. It is one of the peer pressures, in ,this case younger sibling pressures, that can have positive effects. It is difficult no doubt to see a younger sibling be so willing to spread his wings.
On friday night it was hard to sit back and watch them pack all their own gear and struggle with rolling sleep pads and sleeping bags but I knew that I wouldn't be there to help them set up or re pack at the end of the day. They managed with some practice and in the end were proud of the gear they picked up to pack in the car early Saturday morning.
I was taken aback by the strength of my feelings when we dropped them off and I walked out the door. I knew I would be worried a bit but I didn't expect the tears that came and continued off and on throughout the day. I can't even tell what it was that upset me so. We had the talk with each of them about abuse, and being safe. If I had been fearful for their safety they would not be attending the program let alone an overnight camp. Of course you never ever know for certain but it was not my fear for their safety that sparked my intense emotions.
I have been away from them numerous times for days at time and even one time for almost 2 weeks across the Pacific Ocean without any tears or anxieties. This was only 28 hours and they could call to come home whenever they wanted. So what was the difference? Well they want to be in cubs and I don't know if I feel the same way. It is not the program itself but rather the approach of their pack Leader and the behaviours of some of the kids. Their pack Leader is a loud man who gives too much attention to the outrageously rude pack members and doesn't seem to enjoy interacting with children at all. The boys come home every week though looking forward to the next and don't even seem phased by the Leader's loud ways because they are not the target. They want to go so I bring them each week. I have to trust that they are gaining something from it.
Maybe that is part of the reason that I was so emotional yesterday while they were gone. I still don't really know where it all came from. I assumed they would call if they needed to come home. I expected it actually but hoped it wouldn't happen. I knew that it was a big turning point for both of them and that they would be proud of themselves for participating. It was a turning point for me as well.
No call came through the night. I picked them up at noon today and was welcomed with smiling faces. They had a wonderful time and came away with a sense of accomplishment. I am breathing now and we are all the better for it. I have to thank my dear husband, my dear mother and my dear friend Stephanie who all listened to me without telling me that the boys would be okay or that it was time to let them go. They all understood that it was okay that I was feeling whatever it was that I was feeling. THANK YOU GUYS!
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