Taught to eat octopus

In taking a course for the process of adoption I have been reacquainted with the terms authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive.  Authoritative is the style that is being presented as the best and most healthy option for families. The idea of it is making me edgy!  Ack!!  I don't what it is but this term gets the hairs on my neck to stand up.  I really don't see how it is all that different from the word authoritarian.  Both words come from the word authority which is synonymous with control.  The word "power" is used to describe authority in a few of the definitions.  

Permissive seems to be touted as equally bad as Authoritarian which is seen as the desiring complete obedience and often includes corporal punishment in terms of parenting.   Yet "permissive" by definition (on dictionary.com)is "habitually or characteristically accepting or tolerant of something, as social behavior or linguistic usage, that others might disapprove or forbid.".   Looking at the first part of this, what is wrong with being characteristically accepting or tolerant of things?   Since there is usually going to be someone or more than someone who would otherwise disapprove of or forbid the things you are tolerant of it would impossible for anyone to avoid being permissive. 

Here is the disconnect for me I think;  what an attentive parent may see as respectful dialogue or unique personality quirks or normal exploration too often others see as misbehaviour or push-over parents.  It is also culture specific.   What would seem permissive in one culture is not in another and cultures do not only come from heritage.  There is a culture among vegetarians, among babywearers, among neighbourhood communities. 

Here is an interesting story that happened last week in the grocery store.  

Me to Eoin conversationally while waiting to be served at the seafood counter
"would you like to have Tilapia with me and dad tonight?"

Eoin's response while smooshing his face and hands against the beautifully cleaned glass,
"ummmmm no I don't think so"

The older lady who was serving us gives me an admonishing look
"No it should be you ARE having fish with us tonight".  

Jenn to seafood lady (after taking a breath to make sure my words were polite)
"Oh I don't think I would want to always be told what I was going to eat"

Seafood lady:
"no it is teaching them not telling them"

Jenn to Seafood lady:
"Hmmm I don't think that I would want to be taught to eat things, like octopus for example"

Seafood lady:
"Well you would try it right?"

Jenn to Seafood Lady
"Certainly I might but that is different than being taught to eat something I don't want to eat"

End of conversation.  Here is the funny part of it all.  Eoin LOVES Tilapia.   However after trying it Seamus and Liam do not love Tilapia and therefore I will make them chicken if Chris, Eoin and I want to have Tilapia.   Eoin ultimately chose to eat the Tilapia instead of the chicken.

I wonder if the message she was trying to send me oh so subtly was that I was being permissive and that I should be more..... authoritative?  I think what was most amusing about the situation was that the woman saw a small snapshot of our lives and felt she understood our dynamic.

How did permissive become synonymous with "push over parents" and children running wild doing whatever they please and to whomever they chose to do it to?  Remembering that "permissive" can mean tolerant or accepting, permissive does not equal an imbalance in the control. A parent who may be permissive does not necessarily allow the needs of their children to come first above all else and everyone else.  That would be an imbalance and not healthy. To be a permissive/tolerant parent does not always mean that there is not consistent interactions or structure in a home.   Ultimately because the adult is the adult, they have the added responsibility to ensure the safety of young children but the relationship does not have to be adversarial. There does not need to be a tug of war for power.