Dollhouse

Chris took the two boys to music lessons today leaving Seamus and I home for a couple of hours.  During their absence we found an activity that we thought we would try.  Honestly I don't know where it all started but when he googled "star wars crafts" we found a bunch of different homemade plush toys and ideas sprang from there.  Seamus was so excited and "filled with ideas" (his words) that he was almost buzzing.  The moment the boys walked in the door they were directed to his project of the day.  Eoin chose not to participate....but he did 'write' some of his story on the laptop and draw up some new characters.

Here is a pictorial journal of our late afternoon activities:

Collecting the supplies

The free form pattern we made up

Tracing the pattern in his new 'birthday' cap

Cutting out the pattern

My little tailor

Liam working on the eyes

Seamus finishes sew the outline together

Eoin working on his epic novel

Seamus just took charge and did it all on his own 

Jenn's, Seamus', Liam's

A close up of the pinched elf ear that Seamus figured out how to do.  

Right way to hit?

Spanking

   

That word alone raises the hackles of parents everywhere.  Be it through their strong feelings toward their right to discipline their child as they see necessary or because they feel spanking removes the right of the child to be protected both mind and body.  Often it induces the comment "I was hit and I turned out okay".   

Well, I was spanked and I turned out okay.  But my children will not know the hand of their parent.  From neither Chris nor I.  I didn't turn out okay because I was spanked. I turned out okay inspite the fact that I was spanked.  

On facebook today a highschool acquaintance posted "spanking is NOT abuse if it is done RIGHT".  I don't usually comment but the child advocate in me couldn't hold back.   Firstly don't put things on facebook and expect people not to comment. If you put it out there publicly there are people who will not agree with you.  Second why put out such a strong long debated statement if not for reactions?

Interestingly, at least for me, only moments before I had been thinking on what topic I may want to blog about and spanking was on my list.  

I am firmly of the belief that no child should be hit....ever.  Not even when they run out in the road and the caregiver needs them to know how frightened they are.....a situation suggested by another facebooker where they felt spanking may be warranted.  The same person suggested that if we don't hit children now then they will learn how it feels to be hit in jail......however I am pretty sure many inmates were hit as children like the majority of us.  Back to the running into the street situation: How does hitting a child when they have almost been hit by a car come close to sending the message to the child that their life mean so much to you?  Your body language, your fear, the look in your eyes, the depth of the hug you give them afterward will tell them enough that it was dangerous. They will feel your terror and know. Hitting them will tell them that you are not a safe place to come to. I have had a toddler run out into the road, very narrowly miss being hit by the car, I did not hit him.  He felt the impact though, of my worry, of my love, of my concern.  I was sure to make certain to watch him more carefully while he learned about our fast moving world.  

Sadly corporal punishment is a part of our criminal code. It is allowable by law to spank a child and the fact that it is part of our criminal code is used to defend it. Spanking law Section s43 of the Criminal Code . You cannot stop there though. If you read further into the law there are parameters.  Did you know that you cannot hit a child under two or over 12?  That is must be done as "by way of correction" and that the use of force must be sober and reasoned.  How many parents spank when they are feeling restrained and sober.  How often does it happen after you have let go of the anger at the recent dissent you have experienced from the child? The child must also have the capacity to understand and benefit from the correction.  Thus you may not under the criminal code smack 1 year on the hand for touching the light socket.

Coming from the information on spanking from our Parliament,  "the force must be transitory and trifling, must not harm or degrade the child, and must not be based on the gravity of the wrongdoing."  How does hitting ever not degrade a child?  To the comment from the facebooker, I propose this statement not far from her own "hitting a woman is not abuse, if it is done right".  Appalling right?  So why do we think it is okay when we hit a child 'right'?  

When this law was put to question in 2004 the government unfortunately chose not to change it, but it is curious to note that they felt it necessary to remove the wording that allowed rights of a master to use force on an apprentice to correct them.  Why, probably because it would be abusive and infringe on the rights of the person, the grown person specifically.

Parenting without hitting can actually be harder.  It is not always easy to employ the methods that require thinking rather than action.  It can become second nature and it gets easier as you grow in your parenting.  Not hitting does not equal no guidance.  It probably takes more guidance to parent without hitting.  

Want to know about how to parent without hitting?  here are some great resources

Internet and book resources

Alfie Kohn Unconditional Parenting

Without Spanking or Spoiling

Kids, Parents and Power Struggles

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Natural Child Project

Dr Sears

Custom War Hammer 40K figure: guest post Liam

WAR HAMMER 40K OUT OF APOXIE AND MEGA BLOCKS

I got some money for my birthday.  I waited until we went to Kitchener to an art shop, Curry's Art Store if you want specifics.  I bought some Apoxie Sculpt and then after we got home I waited a bit, a day or so, then we went to Walmart and I bought a Dragons Universe figure. It also comes with a flying bike thingy. I used the bike to play around with because my other  one got broken :( .

Here is what I did with all that stuff:

Apoxie Sculpt is a two part modeling compound.  It is mixed 50/50.

After you get that figure and the Apoxie you start to sculpt around the figure. You can use disposable gloves if you want but the Apoxie doesn't do any thing, it just makes your hands waxy.  Then you sculpt the helmet around the head that is on the figure, and then you sculpt the pauldrons (pauldrons are basically shoulder pads).  Oh and make some weapons.   Then you wait approximately 24 hours, and then you paint it.  It will dry in 3 or 4 minutes. And then he is ready to fight the demons of hell. :3

the finished figure

side view

yet another side view

back view

work in progress

my first quiche:guest post by Seamus

The other day while grocery shopping I saw a box of quiche.  I have always wanted to try a quiche, so I asked my mother if she knew how to make one.  She didn't. I looked it up (see Link)mini quiche. I modified the recipe a bit by using frozen tart shells instead of bread.  They turned out very well.  This is the first recipe that I have made completely alone from beginning to end.  My brother Eoin enjoyed it, and my father too but my brother Liam and my mother wouldn't try them.  They hate eggs.  :p

Good mother

Today in front of a bunch of women I made the claim that I was a damn good mother.  Said for effect, sure, however I believe it with all my heart.  I am.

I am a good mother because I try. I try to find new ways or use the old ways that work. I try to be better, not just as a mother but as a wife and person. I don't do everything right, I don't do much right sometimes. So what makes me a good mother? I recognize that I am not going to do it all right, then I work at finding ways to not make the same mistakes.  I am a thinking mother.

Motherhood is what I have chosen as my career.  I made the conscious choice to make this my job and I love my job.  It is not all that I am but it certainly takes a big portion of my day, of my thoughts.   I take my job home with me at night ; D.

I am good at my job. It is a job though where my competence doesn't always make the difference I would like it to. From watching other damn good mothers I have learned that good mothering does not guarantee outcomes.  I have seen damn good mothers cry as their teen or adult children struggle through trauma, through drug addiction, through depression.   Our children grow and their experiences soon are out of our hands.  Our children grow and what they do with their lives eventually is up to them. We can only control our choices.  And then we can only hope that those choices help make our children's lives easier.

Each mother has her style.  Too often we don't recognize that there is more than one way.  We need to celebrate the differences; learn from one another.    Mothering, good mothering in my opinion, takes courage.  To mother well a woman needs to be thoughtful.  A mother needs to be fearless and protective.  A mother needs to be cautious and trusting.  A mother needs to feel valued and KNOW her value.

Are you a damn good mother?



  

Cake time

Liam's 11th Birthday cake

the simple things

20 things that bring me joy.......... a non comprehensive and not necessarily prioritized list:

1. Waking up next to the man of my dreams each morning
2. ...and then turning to see one of our little men crawling in for a cuddle
3. The smiles that go beyond the lips and reach deep into the boys' eyes.
4. Watching them create, paint, draw.....all of them in their own way, including the man of my dreams
5. A good hair day......don't judge.... I like my hair
6. Watching Willow roll in the snow like she would never want to be anywhere else
7. The freckles on our wee-est one's nose
8. The deep dark stare of our second oldest wee one
9.  Knowing that our oldest little man only has 1/2 and inch to go before he is taller than his mom
10. Belly laughs from the boys' room...even if it is at midnight
11. Seeing a mother wear her baby
12. Organization
13. Our yard
14. A freshly renovated room
15. Firsts (first word, first smile, first kiss, first snow, first warm day.........)
16. My husband coming in from work, safe and sound
17. The hugs I get when he comes home from work (even if I am trying to cook dinner)
18. Dancing in my living room
19. Windsor style Pizza
20. Remembering my birth stories

Nighty-night

Bedtime.  UGH! I hate the sleep topic.  I hate it because it is one of those parenting affairs that is surrounded by strong opinions that come from everyone from your local grocer to your dog groomer.  What is the questions parents get most?  "Is she sleeping through the night".  So what do parents think about most?  "Is she sleeping through the night.

Sleep training, cry it out, gentle sleep solutions.......Sleep solutions?  Sleep or lack there of during the years that we parent is not something that needs to be solved. It is what it is.  Babies wake frequently, get over it!!!  Yep that was harsh. 

What I really mean is....this too shall pass.  Many mothers find that they will get sleep again.  Infact many mothers of infants find they get sleep just fine when they follow their instincts and the practice of many many mothers before them, tending to their babies at night. Sleep 'problems' are not even a universal world wide parenting issue.   There are cultures that would look at a North American parent sideways with mention of sleep deprivation.  Baby sleep patterns: A guide for the science-minded parent by Gwen Dewar PhD lists other cultures where babies are not expected to have solitary sleep and discusses the myth of 'sleeping through the night'.

Jan Hunt of The Natural Child Project has compiled a wonderful list of sleep articles by numerous authors including James J McKenna of the Mother-Baby Behavioural Sleep institute.  James J McKenna has been instrumental in ongoing sleep studies for mothers and babies as well as advocating for safe sleep recommendations.

So when you are tired and awake because you are waiting for your baby to fall asleep in the next room. Peruse a few of these interesting resources you may be surprised by what you find.

Music to my ears

Practice, practice, practice....makes perfect.  When it comes to music lessons practicing is expected to be the largest part of the experience. Two of the boys take guitar lessons. One has been involved for two years and the other since this past September.   They love going to their lesson each week. They love showing any guests we have their new mad skills.  They do not love practicing.  It is a chore.   It takes longer to convince them that it is time to practice than the actual amount of practicing that goes on. 

From the outset I did not want to be the practice police.  I don't want to set up unnecessary battles, they seem to surface just fine on their own.  For the first while I suggested practicing, encouraged it even but I refused to fight over it.  My thoughts were that I was providing the opportunity and it was up to them to do with it what they would. 

I am certain to hear the argument that they don't know how grateful they will be to have the musical skill set later on.  Maybe some feel that children have to do things in life that they don't enjoy so now is the time for them to get used to it. I have definitely heard that without the practice they will not see progress and it will be discouraging.  I am not going to discount any of those points and have even had them cross my own mind a time or two.

I see it differently.  With enforced practice they could and most likely would get better at it.  Will they really come to love music?  Maybe.  I don't think the love of music will come because of the enforcement but rather inspite of it.   I value the arts and very much value the skill set that comes with musical knowledge.  I love to hear the boys playing the few songs they do know.  It is music to my ears.  I want them to practice.  I want them to practice.  Let's be real, it is not my desire that will put a love of an instrument in their heart. In fact letting my desire for them to excel at music be known could have the opposite effect.  I am not going to lie, I do want them to excel at music.  I just don't want that as much as I want them to want to enjoy music.  So I don't make them practice.  I drive them each week and we are happy to pay each week.  Well I am not happy about it but I certainly feel that their music instructor's time and energy is valuable and we are willing to pay.

Recently I began to sense that the instructor was feeling frustrated with the lack of progress.   I allowed myself to feed off that energy and began to feel stress around the issue, so much so that I began to wonder if we were wasting his time. That set me wondering if the $40 each week that came out of our pockets was just burned money.  In a time of frustration I told the boys that if they were not interested in taking the lessons seriously then we were not interested in continuing to pay for the lessons.  They were not happy to say the least and there were some tears.  There was an increase in practices by one child and the other just basically thought "why does it matter now? I am not getting to go anymore anyway" and chose not to practice.  I didn't feel good about either outcome. One child gave up and the other was bullied into practicing.

"Take the lessons more seriously?"  Yes I actually said that despite my previous feelings of letting their love grow intrinsically.  What indication had they given me that they were not taking it seriously?  They got ready each week, they never complained about getting ready to go and make the 1/2 hour drive back and forth.  They sat quietly and worked on various drawing projects while one was in the lesson  What I should have done was talk things over with the instructor sooner. Nothing they did said they didn't take the lessons seriously. 

Today I sat down with their instructor and we worked some things out.  Turned out that there is outside pressure on him to have measurable progress in his students.  We talked about what we wanted out of the time they spend with him and discussed the idea that success and progress measurement can be subjective.  To one it may be that the specific musical skill grows, to another it may be that the love of music grows or a sense of individuality and self expression through musical pursuits.  In talking I think we are back on the same page.   The boys really like this guy and Chris and I appreciate what he brings to their lives.   They are being exposed to a young man, who is positive, up beat, friendly, approachable, talented, and artistic.  We have chosen him to mentor our boys in music.  If they come away from it being able to play guitar, or drums or piano great, if they come away from it feeling good about themselves, appreciating the relationship they have developed with their instructor and a deeper sense of self through music then FANTASTIC!  That is music to my ears!