Adversaries or Allies?

“Most of us are tactful enough with other adults not to point out their errors but not many of us are ready to extend this courtesy to children.” ~ John Holt

Powerful message. 

John Holt during his life wrote a number of published books and spoke to many about education and learning.  It was his book Teach Your Own which shaped some of my first ideas on how I would want to support the education of my children. 

There is this conception that parent child relationships are antagonistic, an us -vs- them mentality.  Lately I have been discussing with the boys how media portrays the idea it is normal for siblings or kids and parents to be pitted against each other.    Where does it come from?  Do we have to be that way?  Naturally anytime you spend a lot of time with someone there will be friction but in healthy relationships it is not what defines the dynamic.  In thinking on this, the idea extends even to parents and infants. There is a battle for control between parent and toddler or a belief that to pick up a baby is allowing them to manipulate.  So it goes beyond just the regular irritations that comes with frequent togetherness.  It seems to be ingrained in our culture.

Adversaries are not often courteous toward one another.  We are quick to point out the faults of those we consider to be our opposition.  It is hard to be kind and thoughtful, understanding and patient with adversaries.  Parents are set up to fail at being respectful to their children and thus children are expected to show respect when they are not afforded the same.

This particular quote struck me as profound.  For me parenting and home educating the boys is synonymous or at least parallel. I want to be a great parent! I want to give my children the space to figure out their own errors.  I don't necessarily want them to think "Yeah my mom is awesome and let's me do whatever I want".   That would not make me a great parent.  No doubt there will be times when they will say "you are soooo unfair" but I hope those times will, years later, become "thank you for looking out for us when it mattered : D.  I do want them to say that they felt respected, listened to, valued.