Accountability.... part two

As promised......

My own lesson on accountability in parenting happened during and after Eoin's birth.   He was the catalyst in taking responsibility for my own parenting and in turn owning and being accountable for my choices.   His birth was the beginning.   First I chose a homebirth for him.   That wasn't much of a stretch for me as I was interested in a homebirth even when I was pregnant with Seamus and had done my research.  There were no midwives in our area for neither his or Liam's birth.   With Eoin there were still no midwives in our area but a friend called me out when I complained that I want a homebirth and I couldn't have one.....waaaa waaa waaaa.  She told me I could have a homebirth but it wouldn't be conventional. I could hire a midwife from across the border.   EEEEEEKKKKKK.   That sounded scary.  What if something went wrong, how would I explain it to the hospital if we needed to go?  It was not illegal for me to have a homebirth, even if I had chosen to not have it attended at all...which I would not do.  It was not legal however for a midwife in a different country to come and attend a birth.  I am more of a "this is wrong and that is right" sort of person so if it was illegal for her then it felt illegal for me.  If there were complications and we required hospital transfer during the birth it would mean that I would have to answer to my choice.  If he was injured or became ill due to our choice, even if had been something that would have happened in hospital and turned out fine we would have had to face the judgement of the people we would need to turn to to take over our care. We didn't jump in to it right away but in considering it we felt comfortable with much research that homebirth was safe, safer even than hospital birth in our situation and so ultimately chose to hire a midwife to attend our birth.... which was beautiful.

The next lesson came when Eoin became ill at 6 weeks of age.  It was terrifying.  He became lethargic and wouldn't nurse, but when he turned blue I was scared.   In hospital we learned that he had a urinary tract infection.   Sounds simple enough.  With infants it is not simple.  It is serious when a newborn has a urinary tract infection (UTI).  After a hosptial stay and many invasive tests we learned that the urine was backing up into his kidneys from his bladder due to a 'vavle' that was not working properly.  If there is an infection in the bladder then the bacteria causes scarring in the kidney which is dangerous.   He immediately went on antibiotics.  He got better but an infection recurred a few weeks later and he went back on medication.  Until he was older all we could do was visit the doctor every few months and give medication to hope it would keep his infections away.  He would be on antibiotics for years.   I am not a medication giver, we don't bring the boys to the doctor with every sniffle, snuff and fever.   It was hard for me to give him antibiotics everyday when I knew giving them was not without risk itself. 

In researching his condition I learned that breastmilk can be protective against UTIs.   In simple terms the immunological effect of breastfeeding lowers the prevalence of UTIs in infants and is believed to cause the bacteria responsible to be less adhering to the tissue in the bladder system.  Study  We chose to stop giving our son antibiotics as a precautionary treatment.   We lost a specialist because of it,  he would not treat my son because he felt we were being irresponsible by not medicating.  He was not willing to see Eoin as an individual situation nor was he willing to look at the information about breastfeeding and UTIs.  We were not against medicating we simply chose to not medicate as he was not getting infections.   If he had begun to get infections after the medication was removed we would have resumed the prophylactic treatment of antibiotics.  Simple.  We didn't want to put our son in harms way.   Our next specialist didn't necessarily agree with our choice but he didn't drop us either.   Eoin didn't get another UTI.......ever.  In fact he is no longer even seeing a urologist for the condition since he has not had an infection since his first month.   Is it because they underestimated his condition?  No, his testing still showed throughout that urine was backing up into his kidney but since it was not infected with harmful bacteria it was not an issue.   He was breastfed for a long period of time.... a really long period of time.   

Both situations made me realize that in order to make the best decision for our family we had to go against the flow.  We had to buck the advice of the medical care in order to make the right decision.  It wasn't easy because if we failed we were accountable.   If we had chosen a hospital birth and our son would have required the vacuum extractor instead of the midwives able hands to 'help' him out when he got 'stuck' and there had been complications because of the extractor would we have been held accountable?  No.  Would we had been just as accountable?  Yes, we would made that decision to birth in the hospital birth instead of the home birth putting us at higher risk for intervention.   Had Eoin began getting infections again and had scarring in his kidney would we have been responsible?  Yes.  Had we continued the antibiotic but he had still gotten an infection...which happens would we have been held accountable?  No.   Somehow taking the advice of the doctor without doing our own learning and research makes us less accountable.  It doesn't.   

These experiences have given me the courage to trust myself to make the right decisions for my family.  Of course we take what the professionals say seriously and most times will follow their advice but it has to make sense for our family.  

Accountability

It takes courage to be a parent.  It is not for the faint of heart.   Parenting is filled with mistakes, lessons in humility, difficult terrifying decisions, hurt, tears, anxiety and a lot more messy stuff.  There is NO book that can give you the answers on how to parent.  There are many that try but none of them are written specifically for you and your family in that moment.

Being charged with the care and concern of a new being from conception to adulthood is an astounding responsibility.   You will be called to account.  You will be judged. You will certainly make errors and you will be accountable for them.  It may not be you alone in the case of shared parenting but parents whether there is one, two, three or four will be held to task on the choices made for their children.

Too often we believe that when we take our children to a doctor that they are making the best decision for them.   We trust their knowledge and fear our lack of knowledge.  There is a sense of passing on the accountability to the health care provider when they suggest a surgery or a vaccine or a medication or line of treatment. If we say no to a vaccine then we are judged if the child contracts the disease.  If we give the vaccine and the child still contracts the disease then the accountability will feel falsely less.

Too often we send our children into schooling institutions for their daily care and education and trust that they are making the best decisions for them.   We trust their expertise and our distrust our own ability.   We place blame on the education system or the teacher when our children fail to meet the grade or face social traumas in the school environment.

It is easier to make the choice to remain blissfully ignorant of our choices in health care, education and the general care of our children.  We are not less accountable because we pass on the charge of the care to another.

In my next post I will share my lessons in accountability and trusting myself to be responsible for my children's care.

And the violin section can begin

I had one of those moments....one of the woe is me, I want my old life back, my friends, my connections, my comfort zone.  They don't happen too often. I really do love our new environment.  I suppose it is not new, we have been here over 4 years now.   It does feel like home 99% of the time, and then I have that moment when I realize what we left behind.   The people and relationships we took for granted, not realizing that even though we only saw some of them every few months they played a big part in our lives. 

Breaking into a small town is certainly not the easiest thing to do.  For the most part we haven't had a  hard go of it but it hasn't been easy either.  Homeschooling in this situation has not made it easier....wait what was that?  Did I just say that homeschooling had a negative?  Yes of course it has its negatives. I would be a fool to state otherwise.  For most families in cities or in places where they know people homeschooling is not isolating.  Here in this situation for us it has been.   We have supplemented what we are missing from the lack of homeschooling connections through sports and other activities but this year the boys don't seem to have any extra stuff on the go.  I am gearing up to have a lonely winter..... violins playing in the background.

I wouldn't give up homeschooling....most days.....  This isn't the first time that I have travelled a path less carved I know I make the harder choices for our family.   I just wish it were made easier by being able to connect to other homeschoolers.

Prepping for Trick or Treat

2002  Pregnant Pumpkin Belly Art

I absolutely love getting dressed up!!!  I can't NOT get dressed up each year.  Even though we have no where to go (pout) I still get dressed up for the hour long trick or treating with the kids where only a handful of people get to see my efforts.

For a number of years we have encouraged the boys to put together their own costumes.  There have been some bought ones but not too many.  Each year we take a trip in the big city, which some may know can be quite the trek.  We find a couple of Value Village shops and go to town.  I don't really save money.  I end up spending about the same as if we bought everyone a department store costume but they are so much more fun.  This year as we were walking out of the store with all our costumes in the bag Eoin was giddy with excitment for this years costume.   He exclaimed that he was so hyped up to have a homemade one again this year and that he was disappointed that he went with a store bought one last year.  

So the theme this year is zombies.   We are all going to be zombies from different walks of life.   We have a  biker zombie which was inspiration from finding a leather jacket, a nuclear power worker zombit because Liam is.....well he is Liam, a tourist zombie, and a yokel zombie.  Me, I instantly knew what I wanted when I walked past the fake furs hanging on the rack.  I almost walked out of the store this year without a costume feeling silly for buying one for just that hour of trick or treating but Chris reminded me that even if it is just that hour it makes me happy and fills me with smiles.   I can't wait to get my fur on and go to town.

Here is some practice make up that I did on the boys the other night. I watch the tutorial at youtube zombie/bruised flesh by RISA  I knew that we needed a trial go fo it so we didn't have disappointment mere moments before they had to head out.  I think they turned out okay but they loved it so that is what was key.   They actually looked better in person as the camera added too much light.  And I learned some things that I will tweek for the real deal.

Trick or Treat here we come!!!

What a roller coaster

I didn't go on the biggest roller coaster this past month at the amusement park.  The boys all got on and I am so proud of them.  A little bit of me regrets not getting on with them.  I love roller coasters, or used to love them....no I still love them but they make me sick to my stomach from all the jostling so I make it through one or two before I am done for the day.   The BIG one though frightened me so I didn't go on it.  I didn't think I could take the long climb up to the inevitable steep drop down.  Not much unlike my fears with adoption.   Already the wait in line has been twisty and turny the kind of line up where you think you see the end only to come around the corner to see that there are still hundreds of people before you and possibly hours of waiting in the hot sun.   

Each day, and sometimes each hour I waver in my thoughts on whether this is a ride that we should embark.  I am waiting in line, not ready to get out of the line but I am not sure if when our ride comes up if we should walk through and not get on or take a deep breath and know that thousands have gotten on before us, survived and most of them loved it.

So many children.....

                                                      

How many is too many?  Children I mean.   Big families used to be the common place.  My paternal grandmother had 13 children, my maternal grandmother had 6 children survive of the 9 she gave birth to.  Skip ahead only one generation to my parents and average number of children their siblings had was 2.6  for both sides.  In my generation there is an average of 1.2 children per family amongst my 34 cousins on my fathers side and 1.4 children per family on my mothers side with half of my 16 maternal cousins having no children, yet all are of child rearing age.  Even with fertility issues seeming to be on the rise that is a significant drop over 3 generations.

Since the time when girls imagine what their families will look like I envisioned myself with a big family, minus the few years in my early twenties when having children seemed undesirable.   I wanted 4 children at least, Chris wanted 2 children.  Eoin surprised us and we met in the middle.  With 3 boys in 3 years we jointly decided that we were done.  Now we are jointly deciding that maybe we are not done.  Our choice to change that if we do will be through adoption.

The world we live in though is not built for big families, we have a hard time finding accommodations as the boys grow bigger, most places make provisions for two parents, two children.  We have even had to pay for our "extra" child while camping once.  What will it be like when we have 5 or 6 children?  It is not easy to find a vehicle that fits 8 people, trust me I have tried.  There are not even many minivans who fit more than 7.

It is not uncommon when we are out to be asked "are they all yours" and I only have 3. I see big families and smile, some people see big families and condemn.  When 19 Kids and Counting first aired it was like someone had introduced the world to a family of oddities.  Granted it is rare in 2011 to have family with 19 children but go back 50 years to when my Memere was birthing the last of her 13 children, and those are her pregnancies that came to term.    She was not the exception but rather the norm.

I have no plan on matching the Dugger family in their family size or even to meet my Memere's number by half but I may be close.  Can I handle 6 children? Do I want to handle 6 children?  I think so and in time I may have that opportunity, and I will proudly say "Yes they are all mine".

Family Bill

I have been wanting to update the look of our Family Bill of Rights and Responsibilities for a while.  A friend has graciously shared with me ways to work with Pages on a Mac and how to get more fonts.  YAY!  Our Family Bill of Rights and Responsibilities was created a couple years ago.  We sat down with the boys and this is what they came up with.  It is posted in our house when we need a reminder.  Mostly it is Chris and I who need the reminders.

With glowing hearts

I AM.         YOU KNOW I AM.       I AM CANADIAN

....okay I don't drink beer, actually I despise the taste of the stuff but I loved the little ditty when Molson brought it out.  I am a proud Canadian.  It is a beautiful country that we live in.  The beauty lies in the landscape and in the people. I am particularly into Canadian artists.  I like music for music but it adds an extra thrill to hear Canadian bands/artists getting radio play.  It is a reminder that America is not all there is to North American culture.
The newest Canadian edition to the music collection is Bookends.  Here is two of the songs off the cd (Lovesong, Glamour Girl).  One half of the band is very local.  The sound is fun; most easily described as a bit folky but with a modern pop twist.  The instrumental tracks are so well put together.  I can't get some of the tunes out of my head.

My earlier (and remaining) Canadian loves:
Moxy Fruvous  (King of Spain and Stuck in the 90s)
Sloan (Underwhelmed)
Jan Arden (Good Mother)
Great Big Sea (When I am Up and Consequence Free)
Sarah Harmer (Basement Apartment and Open Window)
Barenaked Ladies (Brian Wilson and It's All Been Done Before)
Dream Warriors (My definition of Boombastic)

And right now I am into
Hedley (She's So Sorry and Sweater Song) and every other one of their songs
These Kids Wear Crowns (I Wanna Dance with Somebody  and This Party Never Stops)
Lights  (Toes and My Boots)
Simple Plan (Jet Lag and When I'm Gone)
Faber Drive (You and I tonight and Get Up and Dance)

Why I breastfed.....

How are you celebrating Canada's World Breastfeeding week?  Did you know that Canada celebrates World Breastfeeding Week each year on October 1st - 7th? To honour the first day of Canada's World Breastfeeding Week and also interestingly the anniversary of my own journey as a breastfeeding mother here is my list of why I breastfed:

• I wanted my breasts to be more than just objects
• It was EMPOWERING
• It was a natural progression from belly to world for my babies
• It was healthy (for baby and me)
• I was told I might not be able to do it and that did not sit well with me
• I was not going to be a statistic on the those who tried list (although I did join that list for a short time)
• It felt right
• I felt a connection to the women who mothered generations before me
• It grounded me
• It brought me joy
• It helped my son stay out of the hospital and off medications for his kidney
• It made the connection with my children easier and the effects still last today
• I was pig headed
• It grew on me
• and the list can go on.....................

More than a few years ago this day, October 1st, signified the end of my first 24 hours I spent as a breastfeeding mother.   I know that it is not always a life changing event for each and every woman but much of who I am as a mother started with my first latching of my newborn son.  It wasn't the easiest journey and in fact it ended almost as quickly as it began when I weaned him at 5 days old but it was defining and set the tone for my parenting since. 



Seamus nursing at 4 months in Dominican Republic after I re lactated and we started nursing again