Throwing a Ball Against the Wall

Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown let me down.....................I was going to write about finding balance in life but became stuck on this childhood teeter totter chant.  It has just now hit me that the boys have not had the opportunity to learn some of the childhood chants and games I enjoyed so much.  It is not crucial they learn the current school yard games for their overall development but I wonder if I have dropped the ball some in not taking the initiative myself. 

Homeschooling has its benefits and for our family and many others it is the option of choice for helping their children grow.  It is not without fault.  It would be naive to think that a homeschooled child would not be missing out on some things in life by not being in the school system.   Not nearly enough to warrant putting them in school of course.   But there are things that will not happen because they are not in school with the majority of their peers.....thank goodness for the most part! 

School yard games could by the nature of location be more easily learned in the school yard.   Assuming they take place anymore.  I would  guess to some extent they still do, however I am coming from the perspective of having been a young girl in the school system.  I will make sure to ask my husband what his experiences were with school yard games.   I am not ready to go out and enroll the boys in school so that they can take part in recess antics.   It has made me consider what experiences I enjoyed that I would like to share with them.  I am sure they will quickly let me know whether they want me to share.

Identity crisis

Jennifer:  wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, neighbour, volunteer, home learning facilitator, breastfeeding mentor, lactation educator, birth partner, labour support, birth advocate, breastfeeding advocate, early childhood educator, cloth diaperer, baby wearer, hockey mom, rugby coach, attentive parent, avid reader, writer, homebirther, prospective adoptive parent.........the list can go on.  I started out trying to place things in order of  priority but realized that each item takes priority at different times or even on different days of my life so it is neither prioritized nor exhaustive.


This list does not share who I am, it does show some ways in which I define myself or ways others may define me.   The last on the list, and not the least of my priorities, is prospective adoptive parent.  We have been thinking about adoption for over 11 years and just in the past months have decided to take more concrete steps to deciding if we will choose this path for our family.  The Child and Family Services Act 1990 regulates adoption legislation in Ontario and indicates that in order to be consider as a potential adoptive parent one has to meet certain requirements.  One of the first being to complete a PRIDE (Parent Resource for Information Development and Education) course.   This is a 27 hour curriculum covering a variety of topics on adoption, parenting, attachment, loss, child development, supporting cultural identity and maintaining meaningful and healthy relationships with previous connections.

The most recent topic covered in the course we have been a part of was loss.   The obvious loss that most think about is through the death of a person. Beyond death we can experience many types of loss such as loss of proximity to family, loss of health, loss of trust to name a few. In adoption itself there are losses for the birth family, child, foster parent, adoptive parent and adoptive family.  It was a particularly powerful component of the PRIDE course. 

One particular loss that struck me was a loss of identity.  Loss within adoption is far reaching.   Learning about how we have faced loss in our own lives and how we have managed that loss is key to being able to support a child in our care who has experienced loss.  This is an issue in adoption however in particular the loss of identity that came immediately to my mind was my own loss of identity when we moved.  It actually took me by surprise when I took note of the intensity of my feelings that night.  I realized at that moment that a number of items on my list roles of how I might be defined disappeared when we moved.  I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, volunteer, neighbour....and so much more however a large part of how I related to others and how I defined me was my connection to the birth and breastfeeding community.   Moving to rural Ontario I left that all behind.  My babies were no longer babies when we moved making it difficult to make those connections in a new community. I am sure there are breastfeeding mothers, homebirthing families, and attached parents in this area but finding them was a lot more difficult without a baby in a sling or toddler to break the ice. 

I made new connections here, although not as deep, with sports parents but it was still a big transition to go from well known and hopefully respected in one community to virtually unknown in another.   My ego took quite a dive, although I didn't recognize this until just this past Thursday at our PRIDE course when I framed it as a significant loss of identity for myself.   Throughout everyone's lives circumstances occur where a sense there may be a loss of identity.   Often times a loss of identity is accompanied by other losses like proximity to friends and family in my case, or the loss of the home we built and within which Eoin was birthed.  Recognizing this loss gives me a deeper understanding as to my reactions and emotions, it allows me to give myself the space to redefine myself in my new space and it has given me a better grasp as to how loss can affect those around me.  



 

Three Musketeers

Eoin had his second guitar lesson today.  On the way to the lesson I asked him if he preferred me to be in the room with him or stay in the waiting area.   His response was "I would like you to stay in the waiting room because then I have things to tell you about when I am done".   He seems to be really enjoying it so far and was excited that with the three chords he now knows his instructor will begin helping him learn songs to play.  He is just cute as a button carrying his guitar to the car, into the studio and back again.   It is quite clear that he doesn't want any help with it. 

These lessons are the first thing he has done independent of his brothers that is just for him.  He is on different sports teams but usually we go as a family to practices or games and his brothers, at least one of them, will be playing the same sport on a different team.  It is great to be able to spend time with just him in the car chatting.   Chris and I don't insist that they spend time together but they usually want to be together.   The odd time one will want to stay home with Gramma or Papa but usually if one offers to come somewhere with me then they all usually come with me.  They even want to come with me to my hair appointments and sit playing with the toys or reading over the hour and a half it takes sometimes.  Although the draw to that one is that they enjoy playing with the big duplo blocks that they may normally feel they are too old to play with.  They often stay home with my parents so it is not that they can't be away from me, they choose to be with one another so where one goes the others follow.  In fact they will push me out the door sometimes earlier than I need to leave just to be away from me. 

They are very close.   It is interesting how some people comment on this and view it positively and others seem to find fault with it thinking they are too attached to one another.  My mother has mentioned that a few different friends have thought it odd that they share a room.  We don't intend on giving them each their own bedroom.  We simply don't have the space to give them each a bedroom and they haven't asked to have their own rooms.  There is enough space in our home that if they need space they can find it easily enough. Sometimes when one is fed up with the noise on a tired night he will ask to sleep in our room or the spare room but usually there is no complaint.  In fact even when they each go in a separate sleeping space then at some point two or all three end up together cuddling again.   Liam in particular loves to be next to one of his brothers when he sleeps.

I would describe them as inseparable.  When I hear about siblings being inseparable I think of it positively.  I would not have imagined that it could have been seen as a negative.  It has been expressed to me that maybe I not use that term as people may think it is not healthy.  Apparently there are people who take that literally and think it means they cannot forge relationships outside of their threesome. 

They are shy children but they come from a father who was also shy as a child.   I wonder sometimes if they would be more outgoing if they had gone to school but then I just need to take one look at Chris and remember where they came from.  I am sure they would know more children had they been in school.   I am not confident that they would be better for it.  Different but not better.  I remind myself that there are many children who go to school are also shy, who do not have many friends and some sadly none at all.   I notice others sometimes looking closely at the boys behaviours and seeing them through "they are homeschooled" glasses rather than just seeing them for who they are and realizing that one part of their lives happens to be that they are homeschooled.  I find myself doing it sometimes so it is difficult to call others on it.

Despite being a little more timid they can all speak to other children and are capable of making friends.   Seamus in particular enjoys spending time with his friends and going out on sleep overs.  Liam and Eoin have expressed a desire to find a way to make more friends and I am confident that will come in the next few years.  We have responded by choosing an activity that is more social than sports to give them the opportunity to interact with kids their own age and create more meaningful connections.  The deeper connections came for Seamus at 10 years old and I have a feeling that it will follow the same general pattern with the other two.  As their parents we ensure that they have access regularly to other children and adults with whom they may develop deeper relationships with.  The rest is up to how people click and who they choose to connect with.   Right now they click really well with each other and I am not going to complain.  How many parents do you hear saying "my kids get along too well."?  I am okay with having the three musketeers!

Conditional right?

I just recently filled out and sent in a form to notify the local school board that we intend to homeschool.   I don’t really like the idea of answering to a school board as to how I choose to raise my children so it didn’t sit so well with me.  Of course I am grateful that in Ontario Canada sending my letter of intent to homeschool is sufficient enough information to indicate that we are providing adequate education for our children.   Despite how grateful I should feel for the leniency my country allows, I begrudgingly signed it and sent it along.

Should I be put out by this request?  Am I just being stubborn or ridiculous for feeling cantankerous about sending in a form each year?  It could be argued, and is, that it is important to ensure that some families are not simply keeping their children home for selfish reasons.  It could also be purposed that it is the parents who happily send their children to school each day and count the days of summer vacation until their children are back in school that are selfish.  It has been debated that it is crucial in maintaining a list of children who are not in the school system to keep track of them for their own safety.  It is questioned, what about the children who do want to go to school but their parents will not let them? If every parent exercised their right to choose the education path for their child without accountability then perhaps there may be an increase in parents who keep their children out of school for reasons that involve abuse.   

Are children safer in school systems?   The violence and bullying that continues to occur in schools is something parents complain about a lot.  Many high schools and some primary schools have metal detectors in place because of the risk of violence.  Certainly some homeschooled families may have an abusive environment.  Schooled children can also be and too often are in abusive home environments despite the detection methods that are in place. 

Without doubt there are some children who would choose going to school over being home educated.  I wonder though why we don’t ask how many schooled children are asking to come home?  How many times does a child have to feign an illness for parents and teachers to realize that they are asking for help, asking for change?  I remember a big debate in a small community in southern Ontario a number of years ago where a young teenage girl wanted to go to high school but her parents refused.  I felt for the girl and believe that her considerations should have been taken into account.  It seemed as though the parents were viewed as monsters for holding her back from an education.   Yet everyday parents are holding children back from getting an education suited to them.  Everyday children are sent to institutions when they would be best to a different learning environment.  Who is monitoring these families to ensure that children who should be home educated are afforded that right? 

Do parents of children enrolled in school have to fill out “intent to institutional school” form each year?  Education is a right but institutional schooling is only one option.  The right to choose the education path for a child should not be put to question above any other option.  It is not our right to chose the education method if it is in line with the social majority.  It is just simply our right.

Is it only hair?

Cook, clothes washer, chauffeur, nurse, counsellor, mediator.....and today hair stylist.   I cut the boys hair this morning. I usually cut their hair but sometimes feel uncertain about my abilities and take them into to get their haircut by a professional.  The outcome is the same as when I do it and I realize that I can do all that for free and we go back to home hair cuts. 

Our hair clipper set is on it's way out. The boys were troopers to sit through the first bit having to listen to the roar of the clippers in their ears.  It was hard for me to deal with the sound and it wasn't right against my head.  Thankfully Papa picked up a new one today while in town to use for the next round of hair cuts. The first cut today was successful.  Eoin although hesitant about how much I was cutting, likes his hair and thinks it makes him look "English"????   The third cut was also successful.  Seamus is happy and as usual thinks he looks great.  Liam's haircut was a disaster.  He looks quite nice and it is actually one of the nicest haircuts I have given him.  He does not agree.   Liam is very particular about his hair. I can relate, my hair is important to me.  He didn't say much to me after the cut but Gramma told me how much he didn't like it and when I went back to fix a few places after it dried he expressed his distaste for it quite strongly.   He was teary in the mirror and visibly stressed that his locks were lessened.  I was almost in tears myself.  Liam had enough of me and went off to his room. 

I did some dishes and put on a kettle to make us a hot drink to bring up to his room.    With a hot chocolate in hand for Liam and a French Vanilla for me I knocked on his door and he invited me in.  He was pretty sad and had covered himself completely with blankets.  It was heartbreaking.    I apologized for cutting his hair without getting his thoughts on it clear beforehand and let him know that I had brought a hot drink for us to chat it over.  It lifted his spirits some.  We had a nice chat and played rubix revolution.  He still doesn't like his hair any better but it was nice to reconnect with him.

The hot drink didn't make it all go away.   He still has to live with his haircut, as he sees it, until it grows out. Whether or not everyone else likes it or that it really isn't short doesn't matter to him.  His power was taken from him.  He saw his hair as an extension of who he was.  It may seem like a small thing to some but for Liam it was important.  It would be hard to imagine living life again from the seemingly helpless place of childhood.  There is a prevailing thought that children cannot or should not make decisions for themselves, for example the choice to eat fish or chicken.  

Making decisions for oneself is a critical part of development.   Getting the choice to eat a vegetable and get dessert or not eat the vegetable and miss out on dessert is not really choice.  It may allow the parent to feel better about forcing the child to finish their veggies but it certainly goes no where to giving the child a sense of power over their own lives.  We all want to feel in control of our own lives.  It feels bad to feel helpless.  

In parenting it is a challenge. Giving a child power over their own lives in part takes some of our power away.   For example the boys are upstairs right now giggling away. It is long past the time we ask them to turn out the lights and we would certainly prefer the quiet of sleeping children (although giggling children is not hard to stomach).  We feel powerless in a away in not being able to do anything about it aside from using punishment or threats.  And those two things only work for the moment and don't give satisfaction to either of us.  It can be difficult to let somethings go.  In our case the boys can sleep in so it doesn't really matter if they stay up later sometimes. It doesn't mean that it is not something that hits a nerve at times.  There are nights when Chris and I may really want to be alone and that may be in contrast to the boys late night deep conversations. 

We are encouraged in our culture to make sure to be what is often mislabeled as consistent but is instead the expectation to be unbending once a rule is set like bedtimes.  It is hard not to give into the idea though that to give a child an inch and they take a mile. It is like if you give them some power over their own lives they will run wild with it and be uncontrollable.   However in families where the children aren't given even an inch that is often blamed as the cause when a child begins to rebel. 

The idea that parents and children are adversaries is prominent in our culture.  My children have gotten much of that idea from the media exposure in their lives.  On almost every child oriented show they watch parents and adults are against children somehow.  Adults are portrayed as barriers to what children want and the adults who aren't are too often portrayed as irresponsible and immature.  It is something that has been irritating me more and more.  I am not going to limit their television any more than it is but we will certainly begin talking more about the idea that parents are not the bad guys as is perpetuated in what they are watching. 

When one party holds so much more power over another it is difficult not to see it as adversarial.  There are going to be times when as a parent I have to make a decision for my child. I cannot stand by and let them hurt someone or put themselves in serious danger.  There are also times when I need to ask myself if I am just simply taking the power from them to preserve my own.

Leaves, leaves and more leaves

Eoin jumped out the hammock this morning to look outside of my bedroom window and asked "wow do we have to rake today the yard is literally covered in leaves".  There were a lot of leaves.  We have been raking the yard about every few days for the past two weeks just to keep up.  It is a seemingly never ending task.  It is met with different feelings from each person in our house, ranging from excitement to get started raking each year to hate for anything to do with raking.  Seamus seems to have figured out as we closed the pool this year that scooping leaves is essentially raking in a pool as well as sweeping them off the deck.... he is the one who hates to rake. 

Today there really were a lot of leaves on the ground.   One of the aspects we were looking for in a house when we moved from the city was having a treed property.  We certainly succeeded in finding it.  We rake more the first rake of the Fall here than we did in the ten years in our previous house.   The prospect of raking the leaves that were on the ground today put Seamus in quite a funk.   Once he got raking with Gramma, who absolutely loves raking, he perked up and had quite a good time.  They had decided that today they were going to try to rake the leaves all into one pile in the middle of the yard instead of smaller piles throughout.   It was massive. 

The mountain of leaves was of course calling out to each of them to jump in.   It apparently also called to them to bury Eoin within it.   They had figured out that if they put a hoodie on Eoin backwards he could cover his face so the leaves wouldn't bug him.   Then the pile of leaves cried out to have them all covered up together with flashlights to light up the hoods that covered their faces.   My first reaction when I found out they buried Eoin was "Yikes" and "Eww there are probably spiders in there".   I managed to keep that to myself.  They were giggling and chatting away so it was difficult not to appreciate the joy.

I find I have to stop myself from interfering in their escapades more often than I would like to.   It is hard to watch them get into mud from head to toe with the thoughts in my head of having to wash the clothes and cleaning the mess that comes with peeling off the muddy clothes.  I would like to be more free spirited or accepting of their free spirited moments. It is not the way I am wired though and I have to work harder at it to balance my needs with theirs.   I will ask myself out loud "why am I wanting to say no?" when I get that feeling that I am saying "no" out of my own need for order.   There are times that a need for order wins out as well.  Today my need for order was not as great as their need to wrap themselves in Fall.

Kids and Pets

Chris asked why it seems that kids or pets seem to get sick at night, on weekends or on holidays?  I had no answer but his pondering certainly seemed to ring true in our family.  The boys have just had their first experience with the possibility of losing a pet.  Our lab Willow was quite ill and ended up at the vet over this past Thanksgiving weekend.  There is always the balance of what information to give children versus what they need to know and can comprehend when a traumatic event happens.   In this case Willow didn't look sick, when the boys said good night to her they went to sleep thinking their dog was just a bit under the weather.   When they woke up in the morning though we had to tell them that we had brought her to the vet and even though she looked fairly healthy the vet had said that she would do the best to make sure she was okay but there was a very real possibility that she may not be able to stop the internal bleeding that seemed to be happening.  It was made clear that despite her outward appearance Willow may have changed for the worse very quickly.

The kids were of course surprised and worried but went on with their day as usual.  Or seeminly they went on with their day.  Every so often one would walk up to us and make a comment that seemed to come out of nowhere like "I was upstairs praying and praying that Willow will be okay" or "she is my world I don't want her to die".  And then they would find something to distract them and get about their business.  It was hard on everyone.   Watching them, one would not have noticed immediately the how deeply they were affected by the situation.   On the outside they seemed fine but it was obvious from their comments that even though they went about their day she was often on their minds.  They didn't want to hear from us that all would be fine they just needed to express what had been on their minds.  

They didn't necessarily come to us for their comfort.   It was heartwarming to hear them talk to one another, trying to ease worries and share their fears without an adult in their presence.  Willow is home now and doing much better and hopefully will continue that way.  We are poorer because of the experience on a financial level but richer for the life experience, and very happy to have our Willow here to cuddle.