Playing dress up

Halloween has come and gone.  The candy is no longer here, the decorations are put away and the costumes are stored for another time.   Not another year per se but another time.  The boys have always enjoyed costume play.   I enjoy costume play so they have always have a variety of dress up things to play with.   Chris and loved shopping the the days after halloween to get 70% off costumes for the boys to play with throughout the year.  The most used were the wizard cloaks and scary masks when they were younger.  The costumes they use now are more involved.  Seamus has a Link costume I made him for his birthday last year and they all love getting dressed in the suit jackets and bowler hats from last years halloween.  I love getting dressed up!!!!  Halloween gives me the excuse to do it!  

Each year we try to make the costumes from second hand clothes. I am not a seamstress by any means so if it is not easy it doesn't get made.  Here are some pictures of Halloween's past

Halloween 2008

We used bandage gauze to wrap them.  Easy costume idea.  Not so easy to keep the gauze in place.

Halloween Party attire 2009

We threw a big halloween party with the theme of haunted abandoned historic hotel.  The boys played parts.  Eoin was the big shot owner, Liam was the butler, and Seamus the bartender.  I was a maid as you see below and Chris was a creepy handy man.  My parents played the part of two missing tourists from the 1900's.

Halloween trick or treating 2009

Eoin's costume:  Jester made from Seamus' Link costume parts and a Jester's hat from the Michigan Renaissance Festival

Liam's Costume: Wizard using old Harry Potter cloak and silly Wizard hat

Seamus' Costume: Warlock again using old costume parts and the walking stick he got from his grandparent's trip to Texas

Chris' Costume:  A ghoul I think

Jenn's Costume:  Maid's costume from halloween party.  I got the dress from Value village and made the apron and choker.

Halloween 2010

Liam's Costume: Hockey equiptment spray painted over camo clothes to be a "futuristic marine"

Eoin's Costume:  He went for the commerical costume this year with blood pumping through his false chest

Seamus' Costume:  He combined is Link costume with a cloak and a traditional masquerade mask

Halloween 2010

Jenn's Costume:  Twisted tooth fairy made up of my grade 12 prom dress

Chris' Costume:  Twisted dentist Dr. D.K. Payne

Strumming away

My fingers are numb!!!!  I picked up Eoin's guitar today to try to practice with him. He has not complained about his fingers hurting since beginning his lessons over a month ago.  I am amazed because after 10 minutes mine were screaming at me!  I am sure it gets easier with practice but don't see how fingers can move from one chord to another so quickly.  It is a skill I value. I took piano lessons when I was younger, not getting far and played flute in highschool but again did not play extremely well.  Guitar seemed an unattainable option.  I am pretty sure my sister Lorna had one when she was younger but I don't remember her playing much.  That is the struggle with learning music, the practicing part.   I have learned enough in the past couple of years that I am not going to push Eoin into practicing; encourage him a little maybe but not push.  If he even thinks I am "making" him do something he brings up how terrible an experience it was when I made him go to hockey last year and he was only in that for a month and half at most.  

I know that he will get better much more quickly if he were to practice but right now he is just enjoying hanging out with his instructor and learning at his own pace.   If I enforced practicing the joy of playing would go out the window along with his interest in it. That is not to say that I am not tempted to push the practicing part a bit more. It is hard not let in the voices of all the people I have heard talk about how they were so grateful their parents made them stick to music lessons.  I can see more value though in his lessons than just becoming a guitar player. Eoin is getting a lot from the experience of being mentored by a young man.  His instructor is only about 20 and plays in a band so I am sure, to Eoin, seems pretty cool. It has been too much fun just bringing Eoin each week to watch him take this new challenge on.  Eoin does not outwardly seem to make too much in life seriously, but he does take pride in carrying his own guitar in each week and sending me off to wait for him.   There is no way that he lets me even try to get the guitar out of the car.    The change in him is obvious from the moment we get in the car to head off to his lesson.  He becomes a serious young man and wants to be treated as such. 

 I hope that he continues his interest.  The sound of a guitar can be so beautiful.  I already am attracted to just the simple chords Eoin is learning.  Maybe I can pick up a little along the way....if I can ever feel the tips of my fingers again.

Bag Boy

Hanging out with my three boys is amazing!  I really do enjoy being out and about with all three of them.  When they were little I would slip the youngest in a sling and then the other two would each take a hand. It was funny how many suggestions I got about where to get a good double stroller. I would smile and thank them with fond thoughts of the one I had just donated to charity.   It was busy sometimes but always an adventure.  The more we went out together the easier it became.

Being they were so close in age there was always a baby who needed my near constant presence.  It was rare to get out of the home one on one time with Seamus once Liam was born and with either of them once Eoin was born.  As they have grown older it is rare to get them to want to come out with me without one of their brothers.   Last night however I invited Liam out to lunch with me today and he excitedly agreed.  His pick was Tim Horton's.  We do not have many options here.   It was nice to be able to spend some time just with him.  Often times I forget how quickly Liam is maturing.  Seamus is the ever helpful child leaving little room for the Liam and Eoin to shine.  Although at the grocery store it is Liam who is usually the most enjoys emptying the cart and filling grocery bags.  This became obvious to me today as we shopped after our lunch.   Without the other two I realized seeing him work so diligently that it is always his face at both the loading and packing end of the cash.   The manager of the store was ringing us through today and made Liam's day when she asked him  to come back to her in a few years for a job.    I have no doubt in 5 1/2 years Liam will be on her door expecting her to hold up her offer.

Remembering a Pilot and Ambulance Driver

Yesterday was a day to remember.  A day to remember the men and women who put their lives at risk in the name of protecting our country and the lives of those in other countries.   In our family both Chris' grandfather John Reid and my own Everett Quinlan were military personnel during World War II.   John Reid was a pilot and Everett Quinlan a front lines ambulance driver.  Neither shared many stories with family members of the experiences they faced during their roles in the Canadian Military.  Both passed away in later years due to illness and most of their story stays with them.
Thank you Grandpa.

There will be bumps in the road

Parenting advice abounds!   Literature and web content on parenting how to's are easy to find.   At one time the prevailing thought on parenting was spare the rod spoil the child, and children should be seen and not heard.  Mothers were encouraged to hold their babies minimally for fear the child will learn that when they cry they will be picked up.   Thankfully much of the misinformation has been discounted and marked even in some cases as detrimental or dangerous.

When Seamus was first born the content of many parenting books contained modified versions of this old misinformation and highlighted how to train a baby to sleep through the night and fit baby into the parents' life.  The trend of less mainstream parenting techniques was growing though.   Dr. William and Martha Sears were well known amongst new parents looking for support in connecting with their baby.  In the eleven years since I have become a mother things have changed and stayed the same.  Parents looking for information to make parenting less of a burden have no trouble finding the advice they need to touch their baby less and get more sleep.  Parents wanting to parent outside the box find support through one another on forums, through blogs, La Leche League (LLL is an organization supporting mothers of all parenting styles), Attachment Parenting International, and an increasing amount of literature supporting a more balanced family life that takes the child's perspective and needs into consideration.

Researching different techniques and trying on various styles is a necessary part of becoming a conscientious parent.  Particularly for parents who were not parented gently themselves.  But here is where I am going to play a bit of the devils advocate.  "Attachment Parenting" can be bad. It is easy to get caught up in trying to be too ideal or at least expect to be the ideal parent right out of the starting gate.   You will make mistakes, you will cringe at some of things you do.  When information does not acknowledge the challenges with these styles it is dangerous. 

The ideals behind gentle parenting, respectful parenting, alternative parenting, attachment parenting or any of the names used to describe techniques that lean toward high touch and respectful communications are sound. They are beyond sound.  I, along with many others have grown next to some wonderful people (our children) and can see the beautiful results of the extra effort that connected parenting takes.   Having seen the results after 11 years I can now say that it was worth it.  I am a huge advocate and continuing student of respectful parenting.  I am also a realist, most of the time.  It can be difficult!  Parents are often isolated from supportive family members who keep an eye on wandering toddlers freeing mothers to care for younger children or take care of home tasks.  Mothers often perceive that they are expected to do it all and without the "village" of days gone by they do it all alone.   It is easy to get overwhelmed and feel burn out.

The best resources include both the tools, or ideas to be a conscientious parent along with what to do when you mess up.  I feel it is important to give a head's up that it is okay if you don't get it right every time.  Without this message it is very easy for new parents or parents new to connected parenting to feel unsuccessful when there is a bump in the new road. One of my favourite daily emails is the Daily Groove by Scott Noelle.  His Monday to Friday daily emails provide great food for thought and a realistic attitude.  Much of his thoughts can be carried over into any interpersonal relations.  I actually found his website while appreciating the thoughts of another parenting writer who has great ideas but lacks the realistic approach to encourage parents where they are.  Despite the great information she share I know of mothers who were left with a sour taste in their mothers and feeling a bit inadequate and unable to live up to the writers ideals.  I know I would have found myself in the same boat had I followed her thoughts when I was a newer parent. 

There will be bumps in the road!  The road will get smoother but it will never ever be bump free.  Give yourself the space to learn and adjust.

Five A.M. Comes Early!

What time do you get up in the morning?  To be honest, and this is embarassing, the kids and I do not usually get out of bed until 9:30 at the earliest.  I am not sure when it started happening but it has been a slow progression over the past three years.   It is not actually something I feel good about.  By the time we get ourselves moving breakfast is pretty much lunch.  The day feels almost gone before we begin.

We have just this week however begun to get up with Chris before he goes to work in an effort to eat our breakfast together and get an earlier start on our day.   The challenge is that Chris gets up at 5 am and heads out by 6 am.  YUCK!   Despite the horrible hour it has been really nice seeing him interact with the boys in the morning.  I was a bit worried that we would throw off his morning routine but he seems to be enjoying the time with them. 

We will have to make some adjustments to keep this up.  I, for example, will have to switch my reading time from late, late night to early, early morning.  Eoin has found out that eating his breakfast that early leaves him too hungry until lunch even with a snack so has decided to eat a very light breakfast with his dad and save his more filling food for later in the morning.  

Eating at a regular time, even if it is at 5:30 in the morning, is important for all of us.  I have found that our eating habits have been poor lately with very little consistency in our meal schedule.  We have migrated away from the dinner table and found ourselves eating in various areas of the house.  That doesn't work for me.  The boys are snacking on poor choice foods more often or maybe not eating at all when they need to.   We have both ends of the spectrum in our house. 

Each of the boys has mixed feelings on getting up.  They have enjoyed being up with their dad but really enjoy their sleep as well.  Liam chose to stay in bed this morning.  Tomorrow he says he would like to try to get up again I think feeling like he was missing out on something.   My hope is that it gets easier for each of us as we begin to feel more tired at night and get to sleep earlier.  The boys are asked to do quieter activities in their room from about 8 or 8:30 pm with lights out and ideally sleep by 9 pm.  That is not how it often works.  They are chatty at night.   They giggle a lot at night. It can be 11 pm before they finally drift off to sleep.   And in my case it is not uncommon to find me reading at 2:30 am.

I would say in part this attempt to begin our day earlier is a way of trying to put some more structure in our lives.   We certainly will never have an hourly schedule, nor will our fun and spontaneity be dictated by a strict schedule.  It seemed odd to me when other mothers of young children would limit their social time because their toddler had to nap at exactly one o'clock every day.  The boys tended to fall asleep wherever we were when they were tired even if we were out and about. Wearing them in a sling was a big help in making their bed portable.  They also didn't nap much beyond 15 months, to my dismay!   They were raring to go.   I understand that meeting your child's need for sleep is important and for some children it is less work to get them to nap each day then to contend with them when they have not slept.   It seems odd to let that dictate your life however.   But that is another topic all together.

I have been struggling with the idea of consistency and structure for a number of months now. Mostly because I found that I have been off balance some in providing it for the boys.  Our day is not completely all over the place but it has felt like maybe they didn't know what to expect from me.   I have felt a considerable amount of guilt over my lack of effectiveness in this area of my parenting.  I knew it was not where I wanted it to be but wasn't able to get past the bad feelings and move forward.  

This past week I was in a position where I needed to confront these feelings at a time and place I did not want to.  It was uncomfortable for me.   The most recent adoption training session was on discipline.  I knew going in to the class that it would be best if I remained quiet when my thoughts differed from what was being presented.   Surprisingly on paper the parenting suggestions in the curriculum were sound.  My one disagreement was the idea of being firm and consistent, I did push a bit of a further discussion on this topic.   My issue is not in being consistent in regards to discipline but rather in just telling parents to be firm and consistent and leaving it at that would tend to leave parents feeling they need to stick to their guns.   There is room for flexibility, there is room for going back and admitting mistakes.  I strongly feel that with honesty and flexibility my children will respect me more than if I say no because I have said no in the past despite the consistency that may bring.  Ultimately however my thoughts on the matter mean nothing in regards to the discipline policies of CAS. 

I was feeling quite edgy during the class and really just wanted to bail.  It was not the topic of discipline that put me in the state of discomfort as I had thought it would.  It was mention of consistency in meals and daily schedules that made me squirm.  I had already been beating myself up for my struggle to get my act together enough in the morning.  Hearing it come out of the mouths of the presenters as behaviours in abusive households was hard.   Inside my own head it was easy to push it away and leave it to another day.  Knowing that in putting ourselves forward to be an adoptive family we were being held accountable and that my choices did not make the grade, even in my own mind, was difficult to face.

Flexibility is important but I have to recognize consistency as equally important. Getting up at 5 am may seem an extreme change.  It is not one I am forcing on the boys.  They have the choice and actually came up with the idea that we start our day eating breakfast with Chris.  I know that getting up with him would be easier than getting up at 7 am for example. It would be much easier for me to turn off the alarm and go back to bed.  Knowing we are getting up to see him makes it easier.

See you in the morning ;)

Saint or Salmon

Being a saint is a difficult job!  My goals in life did not include becoming a super woman to rise above all others, I had no dreams of standing upon a pedestal looking down at those who just couldn’t do what I could.  Between you and me, answering questions politely when you want to shout “really this is none of your business” is actually by far more challenging. 

I am not a saint, I am not a super woman.   I only do what I can, not what everyone else can’t.    My view of myself is not of a martyr but more like a little fish swimming upstream, navigating the current.  A spirited little fish maybe to have taken on such a powerful current but a far cry from the saint I seem to be so often labeled.  

There are a few who falsely put me up on a pedestal, to whom I willing tell that I will fall fast and I will fall hard. The majority of time I am called a “saint” or a “patient woman” I recognize it not as a compliment but rather as a discomfort with either my choices or their own. Any criticisms that come my way in that vein are more about the criticizer than me.

 It has taken me a while, 11 years in fact, to come to an understanding that my choices are not necessarily better.  Not that I thought I ever deserved any such title or believed that my choices were flawless but there certainly were some painful moments while I took up a lot of room to grow into the woman I am and the woman I am still hoping to become.  Somewhere along the way I have stopped trying to defend my choices and in that I found freedom.   

My new found liberty has not really sat well with everyone.  I have found that it is expected that I should defend myself.  It seems when I don’t I may appear weak or undecided.  It has confused some people, clearly it can take a rather strong and decisive person to pick the less travelled path.   Aside from letting go of the need to defend it really would be hard to defend something that is ever changing.  The core of my beliefs remains constant, the execution of them can change by the hour.  Defending is tiring, swimming is so much better.