My mind has been preoccupied lately with the planning of the surprise trip in the new year. I have not thought too much about adoption or fostering the past couple weeks. Tonight though I was reading the posts at an adoption forum and was reminded of the emotions and complexity of it all.
Earlier this week I had been reading a description in a continuing education program that came in the mail of what it may take to be a Child and Youth Worker. I am not interested in the program, I was reading through the whole book considering further education but in reading this description the words "emotional maturity" stood out to me. It would certainly take a significant level of that in working with children with special needs of varying levels and development.
Reading the posts from the forum I was reminded of the importance of emotional maturity specifically in the foster to adopt situations. Successful adoptive and foster parents would need to show a high level of emotional maturity as well. Having not been in a situation where I was the interim parent of a child I was willing or wanting to adopt my view may be and likely is naive but if you want to know read on.
I struggle with the seemingly narrow view of some potential adoptive parents or foster to adopt parents in regards to what "doing what is best for the child" means. I have heard these parents both directly and through forums discuss the frustrations they face with the system moving slowly in granting 'their' child (their foster child) crown wardship and not moving quickly enough on finalizing the adoption. I hear frustrations about the child's extended family members being given the opportunity to step forward and being given a legal due process only to delay the process to make them legal parents. I can only imagine the difficulty of waiting in limbo for the foster parents and the children involved. However the children, if they are very young, can't fully comprehend the process just yet and if they are older would most likely have serious conflicting feelings about the severance of their ties to their families and having some permanency with their adoptive/foster family. Children still feel a strong sense of loyalty and commitment to parents who have not kept them safe and even more so to siblings who they may think they are leaving behind.
Potential adoptive parents understandably feel considerable stress surrounding the uncertainty of a child joining the family. The stress and heartbreak of having your child removed permanently from your care and connection however is something that is unfathomable. I think it would be an unusually adept person to be able to show the amount of emotional maturity necessary to see their dire situation clearly. And if that was the case they most likely wouldn't have had their children removed. Of course there are exceptions to the rule. If someone was to remove my child I don't know that I would see it clearly and be able to step back enough to let others efficiently do what they might feel is the best. So a person who is considering fostering to adopt should be clear that they would not be dealing with birth families who are able or willing to step back and let the courts take away their parental or grand parental rights permanently. You would need a deep level of empathy for the family dealing with the loss to be able to to truly do what is best for the child. We have to remember when a child is removed from a home it doesn't just affect the child and the parent, it affects grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and siblings who may be moved elsewhere or remain with the parent.
Again I haven't gone through this so I am speaking from a place of inexperience. It does seem uncomfortable to me to read the thoughts of posters on a forum regarding the soon to come placements of their soon to be foster children who are waiting a court date for crown wardship. The posters talk as though the children are "their children", they can't wait for "their children to come home finally" and then other posters might join in and wish for the family that the courts quickly realize that the foster adoptive family would be what is best for the children without, I am assuming, having any knowledge of the case history of either family. It is becoming apparent to me and more so as we go further into this process that support is necessary, support from others in the same boat is crucial in remaining sane through this strange process. I understand the rallying behind one another to keep each other going. Believe me we are not as far in depth as some have gone and I have needed to hear the positives over and over to stay on track and keep a good mind over it all.
I am having trouble though keeping the child advocate me at bay when I read the posts. The best thing, to be honest, for the child would be that the birth family is able to get it together enough to give them a good enough life with safety and comfort, not a life of opportunity because of financial status but one that is safe. In reality when that doesn't happen and the parents cannot get beyond their own issues then despite the severe loss that child and any other family member will feel it may be in the child's best interest to be given crown ward status. However the loss a child feels when they are removed from their parents and siblings is intense. More and more open adoptions are occurring in adoptions from the foster care system where the child has some access to safe birth family members or significant people who have been in their lives. Again though it takes a lot of emotional maturity and probably courage on the part of the adoptive parent to help their child maintain and cultivate those relationships. I have recently met adoptive parents who seemed to have navigated this with some degree of success and I am inspired by these adoptive families. They have been able to see the birth family for its importance and try their best to put their fears and insecurities aside.
Fostering to adopt is not adoption, it can and does many times end in adoption but it is not the same as placing a child that is a crown ward. It is opening yourself up to be the temporary parent, to give a child a safe and nurturing place to grow while the 'system' figures out how it is best to proceed. The 'system' may see your family as one road that they may travel down to see a child have permanency in their life but you are not the only road they are mapping out. Fostering to adopt I think takes a lot of emotional maturity to be able to open yourself to the potential of adopting a child that may not stay in your home while still possibly fostering the child's relationship with the birth parent through their weekly visitations. You will have to face real possibilities that the court will decide that it is best for the child to move to the care of a paternal grandparent or extended family member or return to the birth parent. To be able to foster to adopt I think one has to be able to balance the right amount of protectiveness for the child in their care as to advocate for them but to step back as well and truly see what might be best for the child. Even though we may be great parents and might be able give a child more opportunity in life. A safe life with a family member connection that is good enough might be better. It may not but with Fostering to adopt that decision lies solely in the hands of the court.
Just my thoughts. There are many many capable and wonderful foster, adoptive and foster to adopt parents out there who out number the ones who seem to lack the right perspective. And maybe it is me that has the wrong perspective and I will be in the same place when and if we choose to foster with a view to adopt.
