Letting down the guarding

How goes the adoption plans? 

Stagnant......but I am a patient person (cough cough) so all is well.  The Disney trip was a wonderful distraction from it all. I think it only crossed my mind once a day while we were away.  There may have even been a day or two when I was so busy planning that it may have skipped a day.

Quite atypical of me, I have guarded this journey close.  Not because I am not willing to share, I am usually more than willing to be the open book.  This has felt different than anything we have ever done.  I shared my pregnancies with the world after the first sign of the second pink line. With this I am not sure who or how or what to share.

We have "applied" to gather more information on adopting a few sibling groups.  It is a weird process.  None have gone further than our expression of interest.   This winter though we were informed that we had been shortlisted for a sibling group.  It was a surprise to us as we knew there had been over 20 families who also expressed an interest at the same time. I would love to say that we are now sitting on the edge of seats waiting for the call that says we might become parents again however it wasn't quite so exciting. We found out at the same time that were not chosen to move forward.  Before you get all in a tizzy though, waving your hands about in discontent and yelling 'but they are wonderful parents who in their right mind WOULDN'T choose them".  There are a lot of fantastic families out there hoping to grow through adoption.  I am sure that we were just as 'good' as the families that were chosen but they have to choose someone.  I cannot fathom what goes into picking a family for children.  The social workers who have to put the future of these children in their own hands must be very strong.  The children who have gone through the system and the traumas even stronger.

It was hard.  Knowing we were almost picked was a tiny teeny weeny consolation but it was still hard.  I am sure there will be more hard times in this journey, more tears, more frustrations, more confusion.  It isn't over yet.  To grieve the possibility of becoming parents to children that you know little about other than a photo and a blurb is strange.  On one hand there is nothing specific to grieve and on the other in order to move forward and express the interest you have to imagine what your family and life would look like with these particular children.  You have to allow yourself to dream about it, wonder about it and then you have to allow yourself to grieve it when it doesn't work out.