Present

So it takes courage to be a parent..... it also takes a level of honest self reflection. I  realized yesterday that I am not as present as I want to be. I don't want to admit that, it certainly doesn't feel good to say it out loud.    Life can get in the way of parenting, in the way of my parenting.  It is too easy to get caught up in it all. Right now it is adoption, last year it was renovations.   Tomorrow it can be something else entirely.  

Adoption or the prospect of it is pretty encompassing.  Even when we try not to think about it, it is always there in the back of my mind.   When I watch the boys play I wonder how they will be affected, when we make dinner I think of how it will change if we add 2 or 3 to our family at once, when I watch friends little ones run around I imagine what it will be like to be there again.   But it is all hindering me from being present, in the here, in the now with my family.  

When they were babies I was present, they required 24 hour care and touch and I embraced that... not always with joy but I embraced it and gave it my all.   As they become more independent it is too easy to fall into the trap of letting them be.   In our case they have each other and depend on each other for a lot so it is easy for me to slip into the background.   I don't want to be in the background. I want to be a part of their lives, show them the world, debate with them, learn with them.   I want to watch as they find their own wings and know that I was there for them in that moment.

I will strive to be present.